It's All in My Head

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why I'm fat.  Aside from eating bad foods occasionally, I had never been one (growing up) to gorge myself on a ton of sweets or eat a bunch of carbs.  I love salad, and I love veggies, and I love chicken.  Sounds like a healthy recipe, right?

It has just started donning on me that maybe part of the reason my body responds so slowly and/or not at all to healthy eating and exercise is because of all the negativity in my head.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-and-weight-connection

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/can-stress-cause-weight-gain

Just a few articles about the connection between depression/stress and how our body responds to it.  If I am truly, 100% truthful with myself, I've been depressed and stressed for a long, long time.  This starts years and years ago-- even back to elementary school.

Have you ever sat down at a cafeteria table just to have everyone jump up and pretend that your weight made their end of the table go up (even if it's 4 of them and only 1 of you)?

I don't remember how much I weighed growing up.  The earliest weight I can remember was in elementary school (maybe 5th grade?  maybe earlier?), back when teachers weighed you in front of everyone in your class.  This chunky boy and I decided to have a contest-- who weighed more?  I won.  I was 131 pounds in elementary school.

A good friend across the alley from me, someone whom I spent a lot of time with and trusted, ended our friendship by calling me a fatty.  I was heartbroken.  I came home and cried on my star-shaped Little Mermaid bean bag chair for hours.

My grandma would make comments when I was young (and she even still does this): "Erica, you'd be so pretty if you only lost a few pounds."

I remember another incident in elementary school where I locked myself in a dressing room and cried and cried to my mother when nothing I tried on fit.  I couldn't find one outfit in Sears (I believe?) that would fit my protruding belly and thick thighs.

Playing summer softball league in elementary school, I remember it was always troublesome finding softball pants that fit me.  I remember one particular instance where I had a pair of pants that were too small for me (but it was all we could find).  I was on the pitcher's mound trying to pitch a game, and my pant buttons kept popping open.  I was mortified.

My first best friend in elementary school, the person I rode bikes with and had sleepovers with and hung out with every free second of everyday and trusted with my life, called me a "pig" after years of friendship.

In middle school, I "dated" this boy for a minute (really, like a week) until he left a message on my home phone machine saying something like, "I'm dumping you.  I never liked you.  Did you really think that I could like someone as fat as you?  (laughter)  Go eat something, you fat bi*ch." (hangs up)

I remember wearing guys' jeans and sweaters for a long time because I couldn't find any girly things in my size.

The next weight-related issue I remember was buying jeans for my first year of high school.  I was a size 18 and struggled to find "cool" jeans at Fashion Bug.

I remember buying a pair of jeans at Goody's in high school, and I quickly grew out of them.  Not wanting to admit it, I continued to wear them to school until one day, in 11th grade English, the button popped off and everyone saw.

This is when it started becoming difficult to fit into the classroom desks.

I was the queen of Weight Watchers and Smart Ones meals.  I lost 25 pounds in high school on this program, only to gain it back (and then some) when it got too expensive.

My senior prom dress was a size 30.  It was taken in quite a bit, but do you know how it feels to see "30" on the tag?

I was a size 22 when I started college.  My freshman 15 turned in the freshman 45.  I briefly dated a guy who attended a Bible college during the summer after my junior year.  He was cute and charming, and he was supposedly a man after the Lord's own heart.  He took me to Kennywood (where I sat down in a ride and had to get up when the attendant couldn't buckle my belt).  When I finally asked what exactly we were a few weeks later, he responded with, "I can't tell anyone you're my girlfriend until you lose weight.  It's for your own good, really.  You really need to lose weight."

That following school year, I wrote and performed a satirical speech on Being Fat.  It won first place everywhere I competed.  It was the fat, funny girl--- a position I held dear to my heart for many years, because at least I was something.

During those speech competitions, I was always nervous.  What if the desks in the room aren't big enough?  I was queen of turning a desk sideways to sit in it.  Very distracting and sad.

The summer after my first senior year, I started seeing a nutritionist and working out at a local gym.  The whole thing cost my parents close to $100 a month, and I lost 18 pounds and and a ton of inches.  I remember looking down and being able to see my belt (a belt?!  I hadn't owned a belt EVER because I could never find one that fit).  Then the nutritionist told me I was failing because I wasn't losing enough weight.  I stalled for three weeks, and she told me that I obviously didn't want this for myself.  I was trying-- very hard-- to lose the weight.  I was doing everything she told me to do.  I quit seeing her after that, gaining the 18 pounds back, plus another 15 or so.

My final year of the college, I was asked to go to Tampa, FL for a training and interview process for the company I interned with.  When I got on the plane, I couldn't buckle the seat belt.  I was alone and had never been in that situation before.  I discreetly asked the flight attendant what to do, and she (loudly) proclaimed that she would get me an extender.  Embarrassing.

I was a size 26/28 when I graduated.  I had to re-order my graduation gown in a "big & tall" size because the normal-sized gowns didn't fit me.

Finding clothes for a job interview was awful.  Thankfully, stores began carrying larger sizes in the years since elementary and middle school, but I couldn't find much.  I wore the crap out of the one black suit I owned.

I've never owned jeans I didn't wear the inner-thighs out of.  It has never been easy finding bras wide enough to go around me.  I've always lived in hoodies because I think they cover up my stomach.  I've just recently started wearing shorts in the summer, let's face it, it's hot in WV in the summer.

There's all that, but then there's so much more.

My sister came out to my parents when I was in 8th grade (I believe).  It took my parents a LONG TIME (I mean years) before they adjusted to that news.  My sister went through a lot of personal stuff in the coming years, as well, but I felt like I had to do everything I could to make my parents proud.  I loved my sister then, and I love her now.  Her sexual orientation didn't matter to me, EVER.  However, my parents were disappointed for a long time, and for some crazy reason, I thought I had to be the source of their happiness.  So I played all the musical instruments and joined all the school activities and performed in all the school plays and went to all the summer camps and did all the things.  Always.  I always felt like my parents' happiness rested on my shoulders.

Then it became apparent that my father had a drinking problem.  Praise the Lord he has successfully fought that battle, but the tension in the household was unbearable.  Alcohol makes people do and say terrible, terrible things.  My dad missed many concerts of mine in college because of this.  He ruined relationships because of this.  He almost ruined his marriage because of this.  So I became my mom's best friend-- the friend she needed to get through this.  I sent myself into a whirlwind of emotions: I hate my dad, I love my mom, I hate my family, I need my family-- why can't I fix this?!

With each passing year and incident, I gained weight.  I became depressed.  I found solace in humor, and I tucked myself into that pocket of identification for years: I'm the fat, funny girl.  I'll be funny to you so you don't notice how fat I am.  Then you'll like me because I'm funny and be my friend even though I'm fat... because I make you laugh.  And who doesn't like a funny person?  

Until one day, I got sick of it.  I got sick of making everyone else happy.  I got sick of spilling out of my clothes.  Sick of wondering if I'd fit in a restaurant booth or car seat or whatever.

So I declared July 1, 2011-July 1, 2012 the Year of Erica.  I joined a gym, got hooked up with a trainer, and learned what "eating healthy" really means.  I was the happiest I had been in a very, very long time... truly happy.  I lost 60 lbs. between July 1, 2011 and May 2012.  Then I met someone that made me feel beautiful (like truly beautiful... something no one has ever done) and started a relationship with him.  Two days later, I broke my foot and ended that particular journey.

By the time my doctor cleared me to exercise (the week of Thanksgiving!!!), I had lost motivation.  I gained a lot of the weight back (like 45 lbs) between June 2012 and May 2013.  My life became very stressful during and after that (for reasons I won't go into here).  I tried dieting, but I failed.  Stress caused me to lose 29 pounds between May 2013 and May 2014 (I didn't even notice until I went to the doctor).  Then I hopped back on the exercise train mid-May of this year, and I fell off mid-August.  I did more than just fall off the train, I jumped and skidded every part of my body on rocky pavement.  Between May 14 and August 18, I lost 18 pounds and was kicking butt at the gym.  Now, I've gained 10 back.

So what does all this say?

I have terrible motivation, self-esteem, and self-image issues.  I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I short-change myself a LOT.  I don't set the bar higher for myself because I don't believe I'm worth the fight to climb up there and grab it.  I do this in many, many aspects of my life.

I find it hard to find the worth in the fat, funny friend.  I came to the realization that I associate a lot of people in my life with my weight, in one way or another.  Whether it was the friend that let me down by calling me a hurtful fat name, or a loved one that broke the trust by doing the same.

This isn't a woe-is-me post.  This is a post of self-realization and speaking it into existence.  I'm not sure how long the journey will be that will get me right again and fix the constant negative noise inside my head, but I know it's a journey I have to take.  I have to find a way to make myself realize that I'm worth every ounce of effort I put into other people--- and that effort has to be directed at me now.  No one else but me.

Never Miss a Monday

Ok, I can't say I've never missed a Monday.  I miss a lot of Mondays.  But today, I'm glad I didn't miss it.  I had a great workout.  Here is the breakdown:

Stationary Bike: 4 miles, cardio program, level 3, 15:45
Treadmill: Half-mile, HIIT, 8:20 (incline 5 at 3.5 pace, incline 3 at 3.7 pace, incline 0 jog, x2)
Rowing: 1000 meters, 5:24
Stationary Row: 25 reps, 60lbs
Bicep Curls: 25 reps, 20 lbs.
Dead Fishes: 40 each side
Crunches: 25 on stability ball
Total time: a little over an hour

This morning, I decided to put on a dress I hadn't worn in awhile.  I bought it over a year ago and wore it only once (with a girdle) because it was still too tight.  Today, I'm wearing it with NO girdle.

I need to get my arms under control!

Anyway, I revamped my workout playlist, and I thought I'd share since I've had to scour Pinterest for good songs.  Here is what I've come up with.

Fall Out Boy – My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)
Fall Out Boy – Thnks fr th Mmrs
Fall Out Boy – Dead On Arrival
AWOLNATION – Sail
Nelly – Country Grammar (Hot...)
Linkin Park – In The End
Eminem – Lose Yourself - Soundtrack Version (Explicit)
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
blink-182 – All The Small Things
The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret
Timbaland – The Way I Are
Jay-Z – Ni**as In Paris
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Pitbull – Timber
Eminem – Cinderella Man
Jay-Z – Holy Grail
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Can't Hold Us - feat. Ray Dalton
Bruno Mars – Locked Out Of Heaven
Lady Gaga – Applause
Bon Jovi – Livin' On A Prayer
Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue
Flo Rida – Right Round - US
Destiny's Child – Jumpin', Jumpin'
Starship – We Built This City
Ke$ha – Your Love Is My Drug
Rascal Flatts – Life is a Highway
Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
Icona Pop – I Love It (feat. Charli XCX) - Original Version
Nicki Minaj – Super Bass
Olly Murs – Troublemaker
Jason Derulo – The Other Side
Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train
Kanye West – Stronger
Ke$ha – TiK ToK
LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

I just hit Shuffle on Spotify and rock it out.  I like this playlist because it's big enough to hear different songs each time I workout for a few days.

What are your favorite workout tunes?

Before & After

Ok, I've finally made the decision to share my Advocare 24 Day Challenge before and after photos.  They aren't pretty, even the after pictures, but I don't care-- I'm proud of what the results I'm seeing.

I ask that you be kind.  I know what I look like.  You know what I look like.  Let's not make this more awkward that it already is.

Top pictures are before, bottom pictures are after.  This is a difference of 18.5 inches and (if I remember correctly) 12 pounds between the two, all in 24 days.

Here we go.  Please keep in mind the after pictures were at 6:30am.  I was a little sleepy.

I hope I have the guts to push publish on this blog.  I guess if you're reading it, I did.

This is probably more of me than you wanted to see, but if you clicked through from Facebook, you were warned.

I look at these pictures daily, especially on days like yesterday.  Let me apologize for my negativity, but I know anyone on a similar journey has days like yesterday.  Thanks for at least reading; I know writing it helped a lot.

My lack of motivation caused me to gain 2 pounds back, but I'm happy to report that, as of this morning, I've lost the 2 and am on a steady track downwards.

I've lost 16 pounds.  My new goal is 4 more pounds by next Friday, August 15.  That's the date of this big work gala function, and I just bought a new dress.  My goals: 4 pounds and don't look ugly in the new dress.

Thanks for reading.  I think I'll publish this.

#keepgoing

The Struggle Bus

I've been having a hard time lately.  With food, with exercise, with everything.  I feel like my body isn't responding because my mind is off in la-la land.

Since last Monday, my eating has been way out of whack.  I'm forgetting when to eat, when to take supps, everything.  I've had some pretty strong cravings that I haven't always been able to say no to.  Exercise is scaring me because of my breathing, and my body seems like it's falling apart.  I've lost no more weight.  I'm stuck at -16 lbs.

What is going on??

I've got to get my head in the game.  I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this.  I need this, I need this, I need this, I need this, I need this.

Thankfully, these past 2 days have been MUCH better on the nutrition front, and I have remembered when to eat and have planned carefully for my meals.  That is helping a bunch (obviously).

I hate going to the gym right now.  I dread it.

I hate putting up 4 miles on the stationary bike.  It's boring and annoying.

I've got to get my mind in the game-- who cares if 4 miles on the bike is boring, right?  It's only 15 minutes of my day.  WHY CAN'T I GET OVER THAT?!  I dread the gym everyday because of that damn stationary bike.

2 days in a row... 2 days... that I haven't been able to finish my half-mile strong.  Yesterday, I forgot my inhaler and let my mind get the best of me.  Today, I bent down to tie my shoe .3 miles of the way in and had something twist up in my back that was so painful, I started crying like a baby.

Billy got a new job and is gone 5 to 6 days a week.  I'm lonely.

I feel like life is getting the best of me, and I need to beat it.  I want to do life, not suck at it.

I'm sucking right now.

I've quit too many times, so don't worry-- I'm not quitting.  I just needed to vent.  I'm sure some of my other fitness/weight loss journey buddies can understand.

The wall to the other side is strong and mighty-- but so am I.

Keep going.

24/24

I did it.  I completed the Advocare 24 Day Challenge (as of midnight tonight)!  It's amazing how quickly it went and how much I learned in the past 3 and a half weeks.

• I have started to grow to like mustard (since I couldn't have mayo).
• I never took in enough calories when I've "dieted" before.  I've taken in a consistent 1,500-1,800 calories each day and have lost more weight/inches in 24 days than ever.
• Nutrition is so, so important.  It really is 70% eating and 30% exercise.
• Dairy was a large part of my life before (I LOVE CHEESE!), but even when I was allowed to take it in (days 11-24), I chose not to because I didn't really even crave it.
• I don't think I'm going to have a cheat meal after today.  As much as I'd like to go out to a restaurant to eat (like we did at least once or twice a week before), none of my prior favorites even sound good to me.
• I'm continuing to shop the way I did while I was on the Challenge.  I love that the first section I visit in the grocery store is the produce section (and since most of my food comes from 2-3 sections of the store, my shopping time has been cut almost in half-- those middle aisles are the devil).
• I really, and I mean really, like to hear people say they can tell I've lost weight.  I see myself everyday, and I'm used to seeing one thing in the mirror.  It's nice to have outside affirmation.
• No matter what anyone says, I don't NEED a full plate of spaghetti.  Pasta is my downfall, but I've found a way to make pasta taste great and feel great.
• Portion control is everything.  It's amazing what you learn about your own eating habits when you start measuring/weighing things out.  I never thought I overate; I was very wrong.
• I'll have set backs and days where I feel bloated and I'm convinces I'll be this way forever, but I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who think (and know) otherwise to help lift me up.
• I've never thought it was about the number on the scale, and as much as I've tried to stick to that mantra, I'm a numbers person.  I have to weigh myself at least once every two days (if not once every morning), because those numbers are my motivation.  BUT, I no longer rely on those numbers to tell me how I'm doing.  Feeling better, having more energy, and baggier clothes are what I pay attention to.  It's different for everyone.

Overall, I'm very happy with how this challenge went.  I'll do my final weigh-in and measurements tomorrow morning.

I have come to terms with one thing, though.  My weight problem will always be a struggle.  Food is an addiction just like any other vice.  When I hit my goal look (I don't say weight because I honestly don't know what I'll look like at 150 pounds or 125 pounds), I don't think I'll ever have a chance to rest on my laurels.  I'll always fight this addiction.  

I had one big mess up during my Challenge, and it is so hard for me to admit this.  One night (maybe around 1 am), my craving for something sweet was so bad (this was around day 14 or 15 maybe) that I literally ate almost an entire small can of cocoa-dusted peanuts very quickly.  When they were all gone, I looked down in the empty can and realized what I had done.  Standing in a dark kitchen in the middle of the night with an empty can of sugared peanuts, I really understood what was going on.  It was at that moment that I knew, like really knew, that I was a binge eater.  I felt so ashamed of myself that I hid the can in hopes of discretely throwing it away without  Billy noticing.  The next day, he asked where his peanuts were, and I confessed.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and really, really sad about what I had done.  It was an a-ha moment for me, and as embarrassing as it is to tell you all that, maybe it can help someone else recognize binge eating in themselves.

The other day, I remembered how our elementary school teachers weighed us every year in front of our classmates.  In fifth grade, I was 131 pounds.  That is the first memory I have of my weight.  I had no idea then, but that's heavier than what I should be now (according to the charts... which are dumb in my opinion).  One hundred and thirty-one pounds.  I was ten years old.

So this battle is far from done.  I'm fighting for my life, almost literally.  Today, I had a scary episode in the gym where I almost passed out, and my throat closed up on me pretty tightly.  Whether it was hyperventilating or a panic attack or lack of oxygen or whatever, I was freaked out.  Ben and my mom both said exercise-induced asthma.  Whatever it was, I hope it doesn't happen again.  If it does, I'm going straight to the hospital.  I still don't feel quite right, even 4 hours later.  If anyone has any ideas or has ever experienced this, please provide some insight.

I will say this: I felt GREAT today while I was running.  I'm running at a 4.5 now (jogging, I guess... running for me), and my half-mile time was 7:15... the fastest yet.  I even kept time with my rowing after increasing the resistance from 3 to 5.  I felt pretty darn good about myself, even despite the freak episode later on in the workout.

I only had 20 squats left in the workout, but I wasn't allowed to finish.  That's okay though-- I understand-- especially considering the whole throat constriction happened once again on the way back to my office and again when I was on the phone with my mom about 20 minutes later.  No episodes since.

So for now, the Challenge may be over, but it's never really over.  Daily nutrition is a challenge in itself, a challenge that won't let up or give in anytime soon. 

Apologies for the long post.  I'll have more tomorrow with updates on weight and measurement.  I'm considering showing my before and after photos, but I haven't made a decision.  They are pretty bad, and will probably still be pretty bad even after pounds and inches lost.  Maybe, though, coming to terms with who I am and what I look like is a step toward healing that I have to take.

Maybe.

It's Working!

Hello, friends!  What a crazy 15 days it's been so far!

I'm on Day 15 of incorporating Advocare products and diet recommendations into my daily eating/workout routines, and it's working!  It's a winning combination that has worked really well for me so far.

Days 1-10 were the cleanse phase that I talked about in my last post.  After those first 10 days and the cleanse phase, I'm happy to report that I lost 5 pounds and 14 inches!!  (I measured my chest, waist, hips, and thighs, per Advocare's recommendation.)  I worked my BUTT off in the gym, starting my half-mile time of 8 minutes and something.  I now have my half-mile time down to 7:35!  I also started my 1000-meter rowing at 6:23.  I'm now down to 5:36!!!!

Just a reminder of my before picture:

Hello, back fat.  I hate you.  This was a picture of me last Wednesday after my workout.  Check out the awesome sweat ring!

Hello, less back fat!  I'm starting to see a difference, and so are other people.  That's awesome.  MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'M FEELING SO MUCH BETTER!

I'm so very happy with how I'm doing.  Now that I'm 15 days in (5 days past the cleanse phase and 5 days into the MAX Phase now), I'm down another 2.5 pounds (7.5 total), and I'm only 5.5 pounds away from my 13-pound goal for the 24 Day Challenge.

Eating is getting easier-- meals are getting easier to figure out-- saying "NO" to things like birthday cake is still hard, but I keep reminding myself that this 24 Day Challenge is just that-- A CHALLENGE.  The boyfriend's brother told me yesterday (as I was trying to figure out HOW I could eat a piece of cake): "If you start cheating now, you won't stop cheating.  You've decided to do this-- so do it."

So I didn't have the cake, and yes, I CAN DO THIS.

Although I'm allowed moderate amounts of fat-free dairy on the MAX Phase, I really haven't eaten any.  I did buy some fat free Greek vanilla yogurt and Bear Naked granola for breakfast or a snack, but I'm really watching how I'm using my dairy freedom.  I get plenty of calcium from my unsweetened almond milk, too, so I'm not that worried.  Could I sit down and eat a block of cheese?  Heck yes.  Am I going to?  No.  

JUST MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS is what one of my Advocare coaches told me.  He also told me that if I restrict too much, I won't be able to make this a lifestyle habit.  So I'm taking that into consideration, too, but I'm playing by the book for these 24 days.  I HAVE TO in order for this to happen for me.

So I have 10 days left on the challenge.  I won't do anymore measurements until then.  I'll weigh myself every so often, but I'm so excited to see how this all turns out!  I'm so close to "new numbers" I can taste it... and it tastes like free-range chicken and steamed broccoli!! ;)

Onward and on-forth.  JUST KEEP GOING!

Advocare 24 Day Challenge--- Day 5

So here's a little update on how my 24 Day Challenge with Advocare is shaping up...

Days 2 and 3 were AWESOME.  I felt the best I've felt in a LONG time.  I was starting to get the eating down a lot better and figuring out what my body was needing and not getting.  I've increased my protein, and it's helping me stay fuller for longer and give me more energy.

Then I woke up for Day 4.  I woke up 45 minutes late.  I had a headache all day.  The Spark wasn't touching my energy level yesterday, and I was irritable.  I JUST WANT A BIG BOWL OF PASTA AND SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM!  It wasn't a good day, but I also had to change around my fiber drinks in the morning.  On Day 4, you stop taking the fiber drink and add in a probiotic.  Honestly, I think my body went into shock because the way I've been eating has been SO drastically different.  I am getting enough sugar through fruit, but my body isn't getting the amount of sugar and "sugar" through diet cokes or cereal or even fruit in the afternoon and evening (I try to have all sugars out after my orange at lunch).  My body is like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!???!  My mother thinks I drank way too much water on Day 3 (168 oz).  Something about it dulling my electrolytes.

The only thing I'm completely satisfied with is the fact that the Spark seems to have no effect on me anymore-- I couldn't have gotten used to it already?!  It did nothing for me yesterday or this morning.  We'll see...

I need to come up with more food ideas-- clean eating is boring, but probably just because I'm not very creative.

Ben was really pushing me this week, and I really appreciated that.  On Wednesday, I did great on my half-mile.  My time was 7:59, which means if I would have kept up the pace, I would have made a mile in under 16 minutes, which is crazy for me.  I have to get into my head and really start bearing down on my workouts.  My mind likes to give up way quicker than my body will-- I have to keep pushing and getting better.

Here comes the weekend-- I think the weekend will help give me some time to actually sit down.  All I feel like I do is buy food, prep food, cook food, and eat food.  If I'm not doing any of those, I'm thinking about doing one of those.

Next time you see me will be Monday-- day 8!  I can do this! :)

Workout Updates!

I totally forgot to tell you that Ben changed out workouts around for the beginning of week 5 (I know it's a second post in one day, but I can do that because it's my blog) :).

We are now warming up with 4 miles on the stationary bike (instead of 3).  We are now doing .5 miles on the treadmill (instead of 1 miles) but are adding in 1,000 meters worth of rowing.

For arm day, we did 50 passes with a 4lb. medicine ball and 15 passes with an 8lb. medicine ball.  Then we did a concentrated push up (get down into a pushup position and hold for as long as you can).  Finally, we did the compound rowing machine: 25 reps at 90lbs.

For leg day, we start out the same with the bike, treadmill, and row machine.  Then we did 50 squats with the medicine ball against the wall.  Then we went into full plank and did single-leg planks for 25 on each leg.  After that, 25 goblet squats with a 20lb. weight.  Finally, a wall-sit.  I started at :26, then went to a minute.  Today, I did a wall-sit for 1:27!

Also, on Friday, I completed my fastest mile in a long time: 17:01.  Gotta get it under 17!!!

That's all :)  How have YOUR workouts been going?!

Advocare 24 Day Challenge... GO!

Back in March, my sister started the Advocare 24 Day Challenge to help her lose some weight.  If you don't know about Advocare, check out their website here and watch the movie on the 24 Day Challenge here.  It's a basic plan that combines supplements and healthy eating (exercise is recommended, too).  To date, she's lost 30 lbs and 32 inches.

I fiddled around with the idea of trying the 24 Day Challenge because I'm already routinely exercising and trying to figure out the healthy eating thing.  After much thought (and help), I decided to give it a try.  Yesterday was my first day of the cleanse phase (days 1-10.... days 11-24 is the "max" phase.  Here's how it went:

DAY 1

7am: Spark/3 Catalyst

730: Fiber Drink/8 oz. water/Meal Replacement Shake

10: Apple/Natural PB

Noon: Workout

12:30: Mid-workout Spark

1pm: Sandwich with Mustard/Orange

3:30: Celery/Natural Peanut Butter

6: Omega/Baked Chicken Fajitas/Brown Rice

830: Erica’s Protein Shake (Body Fortress Vanilla Whey Protein/PB2/Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk)

Bedtime: Herbal Cleanse Pills/3 Catalyst

Water goal: 100 oz.

Some product info:

Spark is an energy drink to replace coffee/soda

Catalyst is a supplement that helps you skip that first phase of muscle burning before you get to your fat-burning phase in your workout

Omega is just an Omega-3 supplement I got at Rite-Aid (Advocare sells one, but I forgot to order it)

Fiber Drink is similar to Metamucil but tastes way better (Peaches 'n' Cream)

Herbal Cleanse Pills is just another supplement to help with the cleanse phase

Each meal/snack should be between 250-350 calories and include 4-6oz. of protein, 1-2 cups veggies/fruit (fruit in the AM only because of the sugars), and a complex carb (whole wheat/grains).

Try to avoid sugars and non-Spark caffeine as much as possible (good thing I don't work at Starbucks anymore).

I found that I was very hungry by 11am and getting a slight headache.  My sister (who is also my coach) suggested I eat an orange before working out, which I did, and drink my Spark before my workout, which I also did.  I felt GREAT during my workout-- I felt like I could conquer the world.  After getting back and eating lunch, I realized I didn't feel quite right.  I wasn't dizzy, but I was a little off-balance.  Meredith (my sister) told me to add some deli meat to my afternoon snack for some extra calories/protein.  Did that, all good.  Dinner was good and my evening snack was good.  Before bed, the Herbal Cleanse Pills were a little tough to get down (they're super big, and I have an awful gag reflex), but I got them down.  I woke up at 12:45 (for the second time to pee since I had gone to bed 2.5 hours earlier) with an awful migraine that kept me up for an hour or so.

What we learned:  

I don't take in enough calories for the amount of exercise I do and to remain true to the 250-350 calorie range for meals.  I didn't have enough protein in my day, and I was just plain not eating enough.  So this is what my day should have looked like:

DAY 1

7am: Spark

730: Fiber Drink/8 oz. water/Meal Replacement/Banana

10: Apple (2 small/1 large)/Natural PB

11:30: 2 Eggs/Spark/3 Catalyst

1pm: Sandwich with Mustard/Orange

3:30: Celery/Natural Peanut Butter/Egg

6: Omega/Baked Chicken Fajitas/Brown Rice

830: Erica’s Protein Shake

Bedtime: Herbal Cleanse Pills/3 Catalyst

Note that I moved my 3 morning Catalyst and mid-workout Spark to right before my workout (which I did TODAY and FELT GREAT), and I added an egg to my afternoon snack for an extra boost of protein (which I did TODAY as well and am feeling just fine).

What I'm finding:

I don't understand nutrition and caloric intake as well as I would like to.  I generally burn anywhere between 500-700 calories per workout, so I need to account for that somewhere, too.  Also, keeping a strict eating and supplement regimen feels good but, at the same time, makes the day go by so quickly.  Also, I'm interrupted a lot by having to go the bathroom (it's a cleanse, after all).  I literally peed out all 128+oz. of water I took in yesterday in probably 40 bathroom breaks throughout the day.  I know that part will get better the more my body gets used to it, but I'll have to buy stock in toilet paper until it does.  I also need meal ideas.  I'm not a great cook (even though I try to be), and I have a problem with making things that don't taste super great (but still eating them anyway... which, most of the time, makes me not want to eat all together).  I've never eaten so much in a day in my life (which is funny considering how overweight I am... you'd think I'd be eating all the time!), except for maybe when I was working with a nutritionist.

Overall, I think Day 1 was as successful as it could have been.  I did eat a handful of cereal in the middle of the night thinking my migraine was from the lack of sugar.  It was a last-ditch effort to make it go away and help me sleep so I could get through my workday today.  I don't know if it was sugar-induced or not, but I have a call with an Advocare Advisor tonight to figure out what's up.

I will say this... my sister and her coaches (and their Advisor) have been with me throughout the whole process so far (from before ordering, too).  So many calls/texts were bouncing around between everyone yesterday just to found out answers to HELP ME.  I'm very impressed with that!

I'll update you tomorrow on how today went.  Overall, I will say I feel much better today.  I did take some headache medicine after lunch because I was starting to get one, but it rained and went away.  I think it was just sinus.

Onward and on forth.  Keep Going!

Mid-Week Musings

Happy Hump Day!

I am SO so sore from our workout yesterday.  3 mile warm up on the bike (I consistantly stayed between 80 mph and 108 mph... I sweat like a pig), mile on the treadmill, and LEG DAY!  50 squats, reps on two leg machines, 50 kick backs (yikes, my butt is killing me), and a WALL SIT.  Oh my.  I'm having a hard time walking today!

Last night, I decided to join Team Advocare.  Do any of you have any experience with Advocare?  My sister has been on the routine since the beginning of March, and she has lost 30 lbs and over 30 inches without a lick of exercise.  The program seems really easy, and the best thing... it's not a weight-loss program!  It's a program that jammed-packed full of really awesome products that help keep your body functions in tune.  Cleansing and jump starting metabolisms seems to be the game.  I'm really excited to see how Advocare is going to work with my current exercise regimen.  The first thing I'll do is a 24-day challenge (www.24daychallengemovie.com), and I believe my goal for the challenge will be 10 lbs.  That seems to be reasonable and in line with a lot of the success stories I've read.  Most importantly, I'm excited to see how the products will make me feel.  I desperately crave more energy!!

Finally, I have to lift up my sister before I sign off.  She has always been a big inspiration of mine for pretty much my entire life.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  I learned a lot about my sister last night and her journey, and she told me that I was her inspiration for beginning her own health journey.  I had no idea. I've always said that if I can inspire one person, I'm doing something right.  More and more lately, I'm learning that I'm inspiring a lot more people than I think.  That's something that's really, really awesome.  I love you sissy! <3

I'm excited to also be joining a great team of people with Advocare!  I can't wait to share my experience with you all.

Just remember, no matter what: KEEP GOING!

Blender Bottle, FTW!

I LOVE my new Blender Bottle!!  Today was my first experience with it, and I think it's so awesome.

And it's pink.. who doesn't love that?

So I got myself some PB2 and some Body Fortress Vanilla Whey Protein Powder and some vanilla Almond Milk and made myself a breakfast shake!

The cool thing about this bottle is that there are 2 large compartments to hold different powders and one tray to hold advil or asprin, too.  You just add all your ingredients to the bottle, and the blender ball mixes it all up!  I had a nice protein-packed breakfast that was 373 calories.

I was a little hungry after I drank my shake, so I had a Luna protein bar as my mid-morning snack.  I'm sure my body will have to get used to not eating a bagel or a carb for breakfast.  I wish I had those carbs this morning though, because our workout was HARD today.

My legs are like jello--- still.

17:17 mile, 3 miles on the bike, and legs for days.  We incorporated kickbacks and wall sits into today's exercise, and I can feel it.  I haven't been that sweaty since the 1000 Rep Workout Melissa created for us back in 2012.

Anyone have any easy blender bottle recipes for some yummy shakes?

I Do This for Me

Hello!  I lost another pound!  4 lbs down since May 15!  I'm very happy with this.

I have to take a second to rant.  After telling someone today that I had lost another pound, making my total weight loss 4 pounds, the response I got was, "Well it's coming off slow."  Yeah, you're right.  But you know what?  I'd rather it come off slow and the right way than fast and unhealthy.  I was very disappointed in receiving this response because the person who said it to me is a person that I love and trust very much.  It hurt me and made me feel like I wasn't doing everything I could.

But I am in no way on this journey for them.  So for anyone who is going through a weight loss journey, no matter if it's been 3 days or 3 months or 3 years, don't ever let anyone make you feel like you aren't doing enough.  Don't ever judge your successes by anyone else's yardstick.  You are good enough.  What you're doing is good enough.  What you're feeling is good enough.  And gosh darn it, people like you.

Just remember that even 10 minutes of exercise is lapping everybody on the couch.

I'm proud of myself for getting back out there and working on my life, whether anyone else is or not.  After all, I am the one that lives it.

You Mean I'm Really Not Still on Vacation?!

First day back at the grindstone after the best and longest vacation ever.  7 days in the Outer Banks was just what I needed, but now I need a vacation to recover from my vacation!

A short recap: I exercised, ate a lot of seafood, met a lot of great people, and had a ton of fun.  I didn't gain any weight, but that's unofficial since I'm waiting until Wednesday to officially announce my weight loss.

First workout after vacation was rough, but I pushed through.  Ben upped our mileage on the stationary bike from 2 to 3 miles.  Thank goodness for the iPhone game 2048-- I just played that the whole time and didn't even realize I had biked OVER 3 miles.  The treadmill mile is officially the DREADmill mile.  My mind was dragging my body this time, but I made it in one of my best times: 17:15.  Ben upped my weights on the machines, probably to say, "WELCOME BACK!"

But I did it.

Re-focused!!

(Sorry it's a short post-- I'm exhausted!!!!!)

Gearing Up for Vacation

Today was my last day of work before I'm off for the next 10 days!  I think I got everything done that I needed to.

I hope I did.

Today was arms day!  I was still sore from Tuesday's arm workouts, but I pushed through today and got it done.  I have to say that I'm very proud of myself, and that's okay to say.  I wanted to lose 5 lbs. before I left for the beach, and I've (officially) lost 3.  I may get to 5 during my trip.  But I'm okay that I didn't reach 5 lbs because 1) 5 lbs is hard to lose in 2 weeks the healthy way, and 2) I lost weight and didn't gain before.  So, I'm heading off to swimsuit city with my spirits up!

The workout today was difficult for me-- and the funny thing is, it's not even the weights that are hard.  It's the mile on the treadmill.  I know a mile isn't very much at all, but come .4 or so in, my legs are SCREAMING at me, "What are you doing?!  Stop moving!  Get off this devil machine!"  You'd think that by week 2, they would have gotten used to the abuse by now.  But maybe it'll just take me a little longer this time to get strong.  I have always fought my leg muscles while walking or running a lot, but never to this extent.  I guess I'll just keep pushing through and stretching and icing.  :)

I'm going to try to post while I'm at the beach, but I'm not sure if I'll have WiFi access (and typing long things on the iPad is hard for me to grasp).  If I don't get to post, please don't leave me!  Keep checking back for updates!

Goals at the beach: swim or walk each morning (will depend on if we're staying has easy access to walking), eat lots of fruit, have lots of fun, and take lots of pictures! :)

I hope to see you guys soon!! :)

Anniversaries, Falls, and Weigh-Ins, Oh My!

Happy Hump Day, y'all!

What do you want to hear about first?  My weigh-in, you say?  Okay!  I lost 2 more pounds this week, bring my total with Ben to -3 in two weeks, and my overall total of -35 in 2 years and 10 months.

Today is my two year anniversary with the boyfriend.  I met Billy on April 30, 2012.  We started dating on May 28, and on May 31, I broke my foot.  He joked for a long time (until I got off the crutches and out of the cast) that he knew me longer broken than whole.  I just have to give him such a shout out because he is such a supportive part of my life.  He is always the first to tell me that he would love me at any size, and also be the first to tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to.  He says he is proud of me all the time, and that really lifts me up.  He may not like what I make for dinner (the healthier things), but he eats it anyway.  He doesn't mind if I can't come home for lunch (when he's not working) because I'm going to the gym (he probably likes that part too much), or if I have to stay an hour after work to work out.  He still pays attention to me when I'm going on and on about how many calories I've eaten and how many I've burned and how many I have left and how many carbs are in this or that.  He comforts me when I cry when I look at myself in the mirror, and he'll tell me I'm beautiful (even with mascara running down my face) when I feel the ugliest.  He loves me with bad breath and bad outlooks and spazzy moments and in times where I don't even want to get out of bed because I feel so fat and bloated.  We are very different people with different interests and backgrounds, but for some reason, we work.  We bring out the best in each other, and I always feel beautiful with him.  And he always says he is proud to have me on his arm.  So that's my two-year shout out!  Thank you Billy for always believing me and loving me no matter what!

So what did I get myself for my anniversary?  A bunch of cuts and scrapes!  I was running late for work this morning and was rushing out the door and down the steps.  I fell on the sidewalk outside the house (a fall that was only broken by the sandwich I made for lunch) and scraped myself up pretty badly.  I knocked a chunk of flesh from my toe, which really hurt.  I was too worried about if I'd be able to complete my workout today with my toe feeling awful, but I did!

Well, let's back up.  Yesterday's workout was the standard 2 mile bike warm up and 1 mile treadmill.  It was arm day, so we did chest/shoulder press and the row machine.  My mile was the fastest it's been in a long time, clocking it at 17:01!  My back, arms, and chest are sore.

Today, I did my mile in 17:28 with the marred foot.  Upped the weight to 50 lbs. on the leg raises (I'm starting to understand my legs are pretty strong).  Overall, it was a great workout!

I realized something while I was on the treadmill: You can't keep doing what you've always been doing and expect different results. Isn't that called insanity?  Anyway, food for thought.

Change is shown on the outside, but it comes from the inside.

Memorial Day Weekend

I hope everyone had a relaxing Memorial Day weekend!  I know I did-- I did nothing productive but eat an entire watermelon.  That's gotta be a record, right?

There's a produce stand about 10 minutes down the highway from my town that has the BEST watermelon.  It was $8 for a large one, and I ate almost the entire thing.  At least it's full of the GOOD sugars and carbs!

And I can't say anything official yet since tomorrow is my weigh in day, but I think I did really well this weekend and will see some positive results tomorrow!

Today, it's back to working with Ben.  I've been "lazy" these last few days (but not in my eating!!), so it'll be good to get back into the gym.  I'm flying solo on the workout today, but I'm alright with that!  I'll get back with my workout buddies tomorrow.

Today, my co-workers took me and another colleague out for our birthday lunch.  I ate a salad from the salad bar, chalked full of protein from ham and sunflower seeds.  I got full about halfway through the meal, so I stopped.  No need to over-indulge.  That's the one thing I'm REALLY focusing on-- only eating until I'm full.  I remember times when I would eat so much I literally couldn't move.  Then I went through a spell where I would barely eat anything because NOTHING sounded/tasted/looked good at all.  I think I'm finding a balance in that.  I leave room in my diet for snacks mid-morning and mid-afternoon, but I normally don't eat them because I'm still full from breakfast or lunch (and that's a testimony to what I'm eating, not how much I'm eating).

No matter how hard I try, I keep comparing this experience to when I first started my weight loss journey.  A new trainer with new methods and really focusing on nutrition.  Last time, I paid attention to what I ate and how fattening/caloric it was and tried new recipes to adapt to this lifestyle.  Now, I'm paying more attention to what combination of foods I'm eating throughout the day.  That seems to really be working well for me.  For example, I wanted to eat some pretzels this weekend for a snack.  Pretzels are a carb, so I paired it up with peanut butter for some fat so it'll break down slower and give my body a chance to burn it off instead of storing it.  That type of thing.  Ben is really knowledgeable about how certain foods and/or combinations of foods react in the body.  I just keep that type of stuff in my brain, and go one step at a time.

This is a BIG week for me!  Tomorrow, I weigh in and have my two-year anniversary with Billy! <3  Friday is my 29th birthday, and Saturday we leave for Nags Head, NC for a week.  I'm super excited about everything on that list, but I'm most excited about running (literally) into my 29th year with my health as my top priority.

See you tomorrow for my weigh in results!

I Gots the Hurts

I.  Am.  Tired.  My body is physically worn out, but that's okay!  Ben told me to always keep things positive, so I'm okay with how my body is feeling.  At least it's responding to what I'm doing to it.

Today, we did our normal 2 mile warm up on the stationary bike and moved into our leg workouts (because all the treadmills were full).  We did 40 sumo squats with a 4lb weight that we pushed above our head when we came up.  My right knee really likes to pop when I do that, but there's no pain at all.  Then we did our hamstrings and quads on machines, 35-45 lbs, 25 reps (holding the last rep 10 seconds).  These definitely got better for me compared to how I performed Tuesday.  They were easier, and I controlled my movements better.  I felt the burn, and I liked it!  Then we did our mile on the treadmill.

Well, crap.

At about a quarter of a mile in, the muscle that runs down my shin bone (mom, what is that called?) started aching so badly.  Ben had me drop my speed down a few notches, so I finished my mile in 18:39 (the same time as when I started the Biggest Loser last year...ish).  I pushed through the pain, and by .75 in, the soreness was starting to work itself out. Now, I'm just very sore.

Water, water, water!

Doing so well on eating the last couple days!  I went Krogering last night and picked up most of the things on the list I gave you yesterday.  I'm also very proud to say that even though there are chips and cookies in the house, I have no DESIRE to eat them!  They're only there for Billy's lunch every day.  Definitely a test of will power, and I'm WINNING!

Last night, I made bun-less turkey burgers topped with sauteed red peppers, with chunky applesauce and green beans.  It was 360 calories, and it looked like this:

It was so yummy.  Billy ate his with toast, mayo, and A1 and made it into more of a hamburger.  He likes healthy food, but like me, he loves the carbs.  I can see me cooking dinner will be a challenge for him now, with all the healthy options I'm utilizing.  That's okay, he'll have to get used it!  This is just a chance for him to become a little healthier, too.

My favorite part of this whole journey?  Knowing I'm inspiring someone else with what I'm doing.  That's the coolest thing.  I've always wanted to be an inspiration to someone-- glad this is how it's coming to fruition.

Tomorrow, we are on our own for working out, but we're not skipping!  We're getting in our 2 miles at the Riverwalk before the long holiday weekend (which I hope is full of lots of fishing!!)

I'm seeing this all around me, and within me, too.  On the treadmill, on the weight machines, in the food diary... going so far only to give up because you "can't do it."  Two things.

1) Melissa always taught me to never say, "I can't" in the gym.  It's not a good mantra to have in life, and it's a terrible one to have in the gym when you're battling a life-or-death situation.  "I can't" puts invisible limitations in your mind that your body will listen to.  Fitness and health is twice as much of a mental battle as it is a physical one, and I 100% agree with that.  If you're on the treadmill (like I was today), and your feet and legs hurt (like mine did), telling yourself that you can't finish the mile will most likely translate into you NOT FINISHING YOUR MILE.  But, if you tell yourself to keep going and that your body is capable of finishing, guess what?  You'll probably finish.  And be all the better for it.

2) Don't take this meme to the extreme.  If you're really in pain and really hurting (like the kind of hurt associated with an injury and not just a tired body), then stop.  There's no need to prove to yourself or anyone else you can do the workout despite being injured.  That's dumb.  But, if you take this meme at its most basic level, it's telling you: "Don't quit.  You're already sore and sweaty and tired.  You might as well get something out of everything you've put in."  That's my take on it, at least.  And think about it, if you push out those last 5 reps and go until you burnout, you're doing the most good in those last 5 reps that you did the first 20.  That shaky, sore, and lifeless feeling you're fighting is building strength and endurance that will help you do 5 more the next time.  You're putting the work in-- why not take it for all its worth and reap the benefits?

Unless you're injured, keep going.

One Down, One Hundred to Go

Today marks a week since I've been back at it.  I've lost one pound!

Yesterday was leg day, but we started out with another 2 mile push on the stationary bike and a mile on the treadmill.  The bike was much better yesterday, and I kept my speed between 76-99 the whole time, even through the hills.  My goal on the treadmill was 18:00 for my mile (walking the whole time).  I put up 17:46, the same time I did last Thursday while doing a walk/jog combo.  Isn't that funny?  I can do the same time walking as I can jogging some?  Does that make sense?

My eating has gotten much better.  I'm on a stable breakfast of hard boiled eggs and a bagel, or some variation thereof.  My energy level is up, and I'm sleeping better at night.  And yesterday, for a fleeting moment, I thought I saw my double chin starting to disappear in the mirror.  Hey, I'll take it.

Tonight, we grocery shop.  Here's my list so far:

oranges
eggs
chicken breast
ground turkey
bell peppers
bagels
Tyson's grilled and ready chicken/steak
cheese
green beans
asparagus
Fage greek yogurt

Not sure what we'll get into today at the gym, but I'm going to guess it'll start with the stationary bike and treadmill again :)  I'm hoping we don't do much arm stuff because I am still sore from Monday!  Biofreeze is my new favorite thing.

In 10 days, we leave for Nag's Head for a week.  I'm coming up with my plan on how to stay on track while being away from the gym.  The beach house has a private pool, so my plan so far is to spend 30 minutes every morning swimming (or something like it... I'm not a great swimmer).  According to MyFitnessPal (add me: byrdee1985), I would burn 424 calories for 30 minutes of "leisurely swimming."  I'm down for that.  Plus, who doesn't love to jump in the pool first thing in the morning?

Weekend Recap and Monday Musings

Sorry for the lack of posting this weekend-- it's so hard to post from my iPad at home.  So let's recap:

Last Friday was our first half-day Friday at work, which is a complete perk of working for this company.  Once work was over at noon, we headed down to the gym for our last workout of the week with Ben.  He had us walk to the Riverwalk, make both loops, and walk back to the gym.  After all was said and done, we had a nice two-mile walk.

During the walk, Ben and I talked a long time about goals and past performances and nutrition.  He is very knowledgeable about food and nutrition, and he is a good listener (which helps... a lot).  I have come to the conclusion that I can't go as hard and as fast as I did before I broke my foot.  It took me months to work up to that, and I've been out of the exercise game for too long to have those things be second nature to me anymore.  So I'm dialing this experience back, and I'm starting to re-focus myself toward getting to be where I was when I gave up.  

A time when I started considering myself an athlete.

An athlete... at 200+ lbs.  I never in my life would have imagined I would be doing the things I did when I trained with Melissa.  I ran a 5k.  That was the single most inspirational moment of my life.  Looking back, I can't believe 1) I actually did it, and 2) I gave up on that dream.  I remember how it felt to realize I ran a mile without stopping (the first time being during the 5k).  And then I went another half a mile without stopping.  And I finished 3.1 miles in 56 minutes and some odd seconds on the hardest course in the area.  (Running on West Virginia hills is hard.)  I remember my family's face when I crossed the finish line, even if there was only one person behind me.  And as I sit here remember that, I'm crying.  I want that again.  So bad.  I was so disappointed in myself for so long after my accident...

But no more.  All that is behind me, and all I can do is KEEP GOING.

Ben told us to just keep active this weekend, since we didn't have any formal workout times with him for Saturday and Sunday.  So Saturday, I walked around the big festival in town, and Sunday was spent fishing with my love.  I didn't sit on the couch for hours (as I've been known to do... but I did take a 4 hour nap on Friday afternoon [and I loved every second of it]).

So we started today fresh and ready to conquer our week's worth of sweat-inducing workouts.  Today, we started 2 miles on the stationary bike, a mile on the treadmill, and then some burnout situations on arms with a shoulder and chest press.

Well, 5 minutes on the stationary bike, and I couldn't pedal anymore.  Ben says something was wrong with my bike (I sure hope so, but if not, I gave it a good fight!), so we took it "easy" on the mile treadmill walk.  He wanted us to stay within a minute of our last mile time (mine was 17:45 last Thursday).  I walked the whole time instead of doing the jog/walk combo, and I still stayed within a minute of my last time and BEAT my Wednesday time (which was 18:30).  I think I came in around 18:20 today.  I'm already seeing endurance improvement.

Then we went to shoulder and chest presses.  Either burnout or do 25 with 30lbs.  I managed 25 on each, but it wasn't without some fighting.  Ben was there the whole time, pushing me to keep going when I thought my arms were going to just jump off my body and run away claiming abuse.  But I kept hearing Melissa in the back of my head saying, "You can ALWAYS do one more!"  So I did one more.  And one more after that.  And even another after that.  Until I hit 25 on BOTH machines.

I'm having trouble functioning at the moment, but I'm alive.

On another note, I've been toying around with the idea of getting a tattoo.  First, I wanted a branch of dogwood blossoms.  Now, I think I'm going to get a single dogwood blossom with the words "keep going" with it.  Possible on the inside of my left foot (the foot I broke).  That was my motto back then, and that's my motto now, more than ever.

No matter what life throws you, keep going.

No matter what others say about you, keep going.

No matter how many minutes left on the treadmill, keep going.

Whatever you do, don't stop moving-- keep going.

Day 2: Thursday Hurtday

I have to correct something before I begin.  Yesterday, I accidentally misquoted my mile time.  So here is the truth:

5/14 Mile: 18:30

I was walking at a 3.2 pace and jogging at a 3.7 pace.

Allllllllllllrighty then!

So today I woke up refreshed and ready to start the day.  That never, and I mean NEVER, happens.  I am the type of person that dreads getting out of bed, hitting the snooze 6 times before ever putting a foot on the ground.  But not today-- I was up and ready to go, excited for my lunch-hour workout!

I really thought I'd be sore last night, but I wasn't.  I thought I'd be sore when I woke up, but I wasn't.  But as soon as I got to work, the soreness kicked in.  My booty was definitely feeling that treadmill from yesterday.  Here is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast
McDonald's oatmeal
McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait
----------------------->> I know, McDonald's.  Please know that today was pay day, so I'll be grocery shopping, but this was what I had.

Lunch
McDonald's grilled chicken salad with low-fat balsamic vinigarette (I know, McDonald's again.  BUT the salad was only 230 calories, and the dressing added another 70 on top of that... so I was doing well)

Dinner
baked potato
corn
grilled chicken with grilled onions and a small amount of cheese

Snacks
2 oz. fresh mozzerella
1/2 container of low fat Great Value orange creme yogurt

Even with all that, I was still about 600 calories below my calorie goal.  I don't know about that whole situation.  I think MyFitnessPal is wrong (follow me at byrdee1985), but it says I need 2,030 calories a day to lose 2lbs. a week.  That seems like a lot, but I like food, so okay.

Today, my eating is much better!

Ben, my trainer, explained to me that if you're going to eat a bagel for breakfast, the worst thing you could do was put jelly on it.  The jelly topping makes it sugar on carbs, and your body digests is so quickly that it is stored and not burned.  HOWEVER, if you top the bagel with peanut butter or cream cheese, you're topping the carb with a FAT, tricking your body into breaking it down slower and giving it more of a chance to be used for energy and less of a chance to be stored on my love handles.

Because God knows I have enough of those.

So my food diary thus far today:

Breakfast
1/2 onion bagel with 1 tbsp. whipped cream cheese
2 hard-boiled eggs
1 container low fat Great Value orange creme yogurt (you'll be seeing more of this today, since mine expires tomorrow)

REVELATION: Although my breakfast today contained less calories than my normal McDonald's breakfast, I wasn't absolutely STARVING by the time I could eat lunch today like I was yesterday.

Lunch
Wendy's BBQ Ranch Chicken Salad (no bbq glaze, no bbq ranch dressing... literally grilled chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and corn)
Marzetti's Pomegranate Vinigarette

Snacks
Gala apple (so far)

Yesterday, our workout consisted of the mile walk/jog.  18:30 yesterday with 3.2/3.7 walk/jog pace situation.  Today, our workout was the mile walk/jog again.  Ben tells us that for the first week to week and a half, we'll be doing mainly cardio just to get our legs under us and jumpstart our bodies.  He said that each day we do the mile, he wants us to aim for no more than plus/minus :30 each time, gradually improving upon our time each day.

Today, I set my pace at 3.3/3.7 walk/jog, and I completed my mile in 17:46!  I cut :44 off my time from yesterday.  I was pumped, my heart was not... but I pushed through.

Then Ben talked to me.

He said he wants to make sure I'm not trying to go too hard, too fast.  I completely understand that.  I think I just have such a hard time accepting where my physical limitations are again, because I had broken all those walls down before.  Now I have to break them all down again, and I know it takes small steps.  He's right-- I need to pace myself.

The only person I'm racing against is me.  Every unhealthy bite of food I ate or day I skipped at the gym put me one more second behind on the treadmill, one more calorie above my cut-off, and made me cry one more tear over my spiraling health.

So now, as I sit here trying to keep my leg muscles functioning (I'm REALLY sore now), I can't help but think back to July 2011 when I first started this journey.  I keep trying to remind myself that I was worse off then than I am now, no matter how much I think I'm my heaviest weight or so out-of-shape now.  I'm not.  I've been fatter, and I've been less capable.  But all that matters is I'm going to keep moving.  (Last night, I re-read all my blog entries, starting with day 1.  Not only did that serve as a good reminder of where I started, where I stopped, and where I am again, it also jogged my memory on tips that I had forgotten.  I highly recommend reading from the beginning if you're just joining me on this journey.)

Remember when I signed up for the Biggest Loser program last year?  I checked my stats to compare when I started that program v. today.  I'm happy to report I've apparently lost 9 lbs. in a year, so I'll take that.  I think that's a testimony that, even when I wasn't working out, my body was still utilizing the muscle I had built when I was to help burn what was going in.

Sidenote: I need to re-vamp my iPod.  I can't workout to concert band music, no matter how hard I try.  I need to channel my inner Melissa and get some Jay-Z happening, and soon.

Tomorrow is our first half-day Friday at work, which means my weekend should start at noon.  But my weekend will start at 1pm, just as soon as I finish my workout! :)

Day 1... Again

And this picture is what did it all.  This was taken Sunday, May 11, 2014.  Almost two years to the day from when I broke my foot and essentially gave up my fitness journey.  30 pounds heavier than that day my journey came to a screeching halt.  I saw this picture of myself, taken by my boyfriend's mom (he's standing in the back... isn't he cute?).  I'm embarrassed and sad and appalled... which is why I'm posting this.  I know that other people are embarrassed, sad, and appalled when they see me, so why didn't I realize how far I'd let myself go... again?

So this is a photo from today, Wednesday, May 14.  My first committed day back in the gym in two years.  I want nothing as badly as I want to photoshop myself in this.  I've started working with a student personal trainer, and I'm scared and excited.  He seems very genuine in wanting to help us (I'm working out with my boss) take our lives back.  I'm ready to accept that help again.

So I'm back at the blog game.  Each of you are my accountability partners.  If you were a regular reader of this blog before, you've heard this... but please, stay with me.  I'm not giving up again.

Today's mile: 18:13 (I think)