Second Thoughts, Second Chances, and Second Beginnings

I'm a pretty realistic person. I research things. I have fairly good forethought. I seek out and gather information when I need to. I try to make informed decisions.

For the most part, I do fairly well, especially with life-changing events. 

Like gastric sleeve surgery.

I can't even begin to tell you how many articles I read or people I talked to or social media groups I joined/followed or personal (horror) stories I read or YouTube videos I watched before finally making the decision to follow through with bariatric surgery in 2015 with Dr. Shin at CAMC Bariatric Center in Charleston, WV. If I was going to go under the knife and have surgery to completely change the way my body functions regarding nutrient absorption and food digestion, I was going to know what was up.

I went into that surgery possibly more informed than the nurses and doctors performing it. My knowledge helped me remain calm before surgery and provided me with tons of information on what to expect post-op.

I am now less than a month out from another life-changing surgery, and I feel incredibly ill-prepared for it. I have met my surgeon and his staff once, where I met with Dr. Shin and his staff monthly for six months before going under. I haven't done nearly the research I did before, and I just now--today--watched a YouTube video of part of the procedure I'm having done (fleur-de-lis panniculectomy with abdominal muscle repair). 

If I'm being honest--the video made me squeamish. Like, almost kind of nauseous. But, I finished it and immediately texted my mom.

Her first question was: "Are you having second thoughts?"

The truth is... I've been having second thoughts ever since I started this process at the beginning of the year. Before I met my surgeon and his staff, I had second thoughts. When I ended a nearly seven-year relationship and realized I'd have no one to protect me or share this with me, I had second thoughts. When I realized I gained 15 lbs from that initial consultation, I had second thoughts. When my surgery was rescheduled from October 24 to December 12, I had second thoughts. When I look in the mirror and pull up my extra skin and wonder what the kind of holy hell, stitched together, rag doll mess I'll look like when it's all said and done, I have second thoughts.

But when I watched this video, no... no, I didn't have second thoughts.

In fact, my first thought was (aside from nausea), was, "Eff yes, let's GO!"

I'm ready. I'm so ready now. That video showed me hope and a foreshadowing of a life I've never known. It showed me a glimpse into how I'm going to be taken apart, altered, and put back together. It showed me that the days of my "apron" resting on my legs when I sit or walk or run are over. It showed me freedom from these remaining shackles.

I don't know what I'm going to look like after surgery. All I know is that I'm going to look (and feel) a hell of a lot better than I do now. I'm currently a size 16. Am I going to be a size 8 when this is all said and done? No; I'll never be a size 8. I'll probably never be a size 10 (I've got hips, yo). After surgery, and after the swelling goes down, I still may be a size 16. I may be a 14. A size 12 is probably pushing it (because I've got thighs, yo).

But I'm okay with any of it. However my body ends up after surgery is how it ends up. No amount of research, preparation, or worry is now going to change that. I'm doing this thing, and I'm hyper aware that I have had the great blessing of second chances in life.

And I'm not going to waste it this time.

Being Still

Oftentimes in life, we are placed in a situation that forces us to move in some way--whether that's physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Usually, these "pressure points" of life are challenges that we must figure out how to overcome, or change, or lighten.

Many times, these points can be things like the death of a family member, a geographical move brought on by a new job, losing a friendship or relationship, or even a conviction that pushes us into change.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on these types of life moves and, more so, on things that I wish I had moved about myself a long time ago. Things that I wish I would have been able to figure out or fix or stop long before they were actually figured out or fixed or stopped. 

But what about the times when we're meant to not move? The times when we're meant to stay exactly where we are, right then, and just be still?

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Being still is much harder to do than to say. Trust me. I spent six years trying to move something that didn't want moved. And, as much as I tried to figure out how to move this thing, nothing I did worked. I never got the answers. I never got the satisfaction. In fact, this thing regressed. It pushed back, and hard, and I was doing all I could to find sure footing to brace myself against its incredible force. 

And, I still never won. Not in the slightest. In fact, I was pushed down, battered up, worn out, and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. (Have you ever walked by your reflection and it literally stopped you in your tracks because you wondered who that person was in the mirror staring back at you?)

Then one day, after six and a half years of struggle, I stopped. I just quit. I didn't try to force answers to questions I knew were correct. I didn't push to figure out why things were the way they were. I just stood still and observed. I waited, patiently, and took everything in.

When I did this, I started noticing things, like inconsistencies in stories, differences in behavior I'd not really noticed before, and weird things that just raised all kinds of red flags. And, when I started taking account of these things I was starting to notice, I realized that I'd seen all these things before. The only difference this time, though, was that I wasn't trying to save the situation. I wasn't trying to fix things. I wasn't trying to change something. I was just letting it be... letting the situations play out how they were going to play out.

And, boy... did they play out. But that's a different story for a different day.

Point being--I learned more in the two months that I was still than in the six and a half years that I tried to force change. In those times when I just sat back (and, sometimes, that was literally) and watched and listened, with no judgement or action needed, I became enlightened to a situation that was right in the front of my face, despite me not being able to actually see it. I was always trying to look past it; looking it in the eye was too scary for me.

If you have situations in your life where you're struggling--times of frustration where nothing you seem to do is working--just stop and wait. Wait in the stillness. Listen in the stillness. You'll learn so much more in the quiet than you do in the chaos.

XOXO

I'm Back!

Hi friends!

I don't know who still follows this blog--do people still blog anymore? I don't even know. But seven years after I started this thing--not even touching it for more than half that time--I found yet another reason to start writing down my life.

It changed.

Life does that. It changes, shifts, morphs into lots of different things over the course of seven years. It teaches us things--some good, some bad--and it drags us through the trenches, leaving bruises and scars behind. But, sometimes life surprises us, too. Sometimes, it willingly bends down and offers us the world, laying it at our feet as it's there, ours for the taking.

Life is confusing, too. The minute we have it all figured out--the minute we bend down to take what is so freely being offered to us--is the minute life laughs at us and says, "Nope, not this time. You've got some learning to do."

So throughout all these ebbs and flows--these high peaks and these low valleys--these moments of taking and moments of giving--we figure out small pieces of our being along the way and collect them. We put them in a jar for safekeeping, vowing that we "never have to learn that lesson again!" We seal the lid and hold the jar closely during our journeys, maybe even tuck it in our backpacks, wrapping the jar in shirts and towels so in case we do stumble and fall, the jar will remain intact.

But for as much care as we take in keeping these learned lessons safeguarded, we often forget to use them. We want to protect what we've learned so much so that we don't ever take those lessons out of the jar and apply them to life.

Which is exactly why I have to laugh at the phrase, "I never have to learn that lesson again." Yes, I will. Yes, you will. We will come to various points in our journeys that will offer us a challenge meant to teach us something. Sometimes that challenges an exact repeat of what we've already faced, and sometimes that challenge is different but warrants the same outcome. (Kind of like how they put the same question on a test but ask it in multiple ways to see if they can trip us up?) We will almost always trip up. But that's okay.

When you're faced with a challenge, even one you've faced and (maybe) overcome--remember that the first thought you have is what you're conditioned to think. The second thought is what defines you. And, just because you've been conditioned to think something does NOT mean it's right, or healthy, or the correct way for YOU. Pause, and think again, because it's that second thought that can make all the difference.

XOXO

We're Always Under Construction--it's a Forever Journey.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a strong urge to begin blogging again.

So here I am, nearly two years since I last updated, trying to re-imagine my old blog in a new way. This is why you may (or may not) notice that the title of this blog as changed from Under Construction to A Forever Journey. This is for a few reasons, but mostly because I'm tying in all aspects of my social media existence to this brand.

I'm not exactly sure what the brand is yet, so stay tuned! My weight loss account on Insta is @AForeverJourney. My Pampered Chef business page on Facebook is A Forever Journey with Erica. Both places create space for frank conversation on life, love, past and future failures, humor, cooking, Pampered Chef... I'm kind of all over the place. But, I remembered how much I loved putting my thoughts on a page... any page... so here we are.

I am currently 3 years and 7 months post-op vertical sleeve gastrectomy, a bariatric surgery where 80-85% of your stomach is removed through a small opening. My highest weight was over 350lbs, my surgery weight was 326.5lbs, my lowest weight was 206lbs, and my current weight is 220lbs.

I am SO grateful for my weight loss surgery, as it's by far the GREATEST tool I've ever used to help me safely get the weight off. NOW, I'm moving on to phase two: skin removal. In October, I'll be undergoing a fleur di lis tummy tuck and muscle repair. I'm really hoping to see a 1 in front of my weight by the end of the year.

I want you to be a part of that with me, but I also want you to be a part of LIFE with me... and life is much more than weight loss and surgeries and what you eat. Life is our small sliver of the universe--what we can take and give and change--knowing that our lives matter and impact things around us.

Our lives are forever journeys and can be whatever we want them to be. I'm just here trying to figure out how I want my journey to go, and I'd love to have you along for the ride.

XOXO