For the most part, I do fairly well, especially with life-changing events.
Like gastric sleeve surgery.
I can't even begin to tell you how many articles I read or people I talked to or social media groups I joined/followed or personal (horror) stories I read or YouTube videos I watched before finally making the decision to follow through with bariatric surgery in 2015 with Dr. Shin at CAMC Bariatric Center in Charleston, WV. If I was going to go under the knife and have surgery to completely change the way my body functions regarding nutrient absorption and food digestion, I was going to know what was up.
I went into that surgery possibly more informed than the nurses and doctors performing it. My knowledge helped me remain calm before surgery and provided me with tons of information on what to expect post-op.
I am now less than a month out from another life-changing surgery, and I feel incredibly ill-prepared for it. I have met my surgeon and his staff once, where I met with Dr. Shin and his staff monthly for six months before going under. I haven't done nearly the research I did before, and I just now--today--watched a YouTube video of part of the procedure I'm having done (fleur-de-lis panniculectomy with abdominal muscle repair).
If I'm being honest--the video made me squeamish. Like, almost kind of nauseous. But, I finished it and immediately texted my mom.
Her first question was: "Are you having second thoughts?"
The truth is... I've been having second thoughts ever since I started this process at the beginning of the year. Before I met my surgeon and his staff, I had second thoughts. When I ended a nearly seven-year relationship and realized I'd have no one to protect me or share this with me, I had second thoughts. When I realized I gained 15 lbs from that initial consultation, I had second thoughts. When my surgery was rescheduled from October 24 to December 12, I had second thoughts. When I look in the mirror and pull up my extra skin and wonder what the kind of holy hell, stitched together, rag doll mess I'll look like when it's all said and done, I have second thoughts.
But when I watched this video, no... no, I didn't have second thoughts.
In fact, my first thought was (aside from nausea), was, "Eff yes, let's GO!"
I'm ready. I'm so ready now. That video showed me hope and a foreshadowing of a life I've never known. It showed me a glimpse into how I'm going to be taken apart, altered, and put back together. It showed me that the days of my "apron" resting on my legs when I sit or walk or run are over. It showed me freedom from these remaining shackles.
I don't know what I'm going to look like after surgery. All I know is that I'm going to look (and feel) a hell of a lot better than I do now. I'm currently a size 16. Am I going to be a size 8 when this is all said and done? No; I'll never be a size 8. I'll probably never be a size 10 (I've got hips, yo). After surgery, and after the swelling goes down, I still may be a size 16. I may be a 14. A size 12 is probably pushing it (because I've got thighs, yo).
But I'm okay with any of it. However my body ends up after surgery is how it ends up. No amount of research, preparation, or worry is now going to change that. I'm doing this thing, and I'm hyper aware that I have had the great blessing of second chances in life.
And I'm not going to waste it this time.
