24/24

I did it.  I completed the Advocare 24 Day Challenge (as of midnight tonight)!  It's amazing how quickly it went and how much I learned in the past 3 and a half weeks.

• I have started to grow to like mustard (since I couldn't have mayo).
• I never took in enough calories when I've "dieted" before.  I've taken in a consistent 1,500-1,800 calories each day and have lost more weight/inches in 24 days than ever.
• Nutrition is so, so important.  It really is 70% eating and 30% exercise.
• Dairy was a large part of my life before (I LOVE CHEESE!), but even when I was allowed to take it in (days 11-24), I chose not to because I didn't really even crave it.
• I don't think I'm going to have a cheat meal after today.  As much as I'd like to go out to a restaurant to eat (like we did at least once or twice a week before), none of my prior favorites even sound good to me.
• I'm continuing to shop the way I did while I was on the Challenge.  I love that the first section I visit in the grocery store is the produce section (and since most of my food comes from 2-3 sections of the store, my shopping time has been cut almost in half-- those middle aisles are the devil).
• I really, and I mean really, like to hear people say they can tell I've lost weight.  I see myself everyday, and I'm used to seeing one thing in the mirror.  It's nice to have outside affirmation.
• No matter what anyone says, I don't NEED a full plate of spaghetti.  Pasta is my downfall, but I've found a way to make pasta taste great and feel great.
• Portion control is everything.  It's amazing what you learn about your own eating habits when you start measuring/weighing things out.  I never thought I overate; I was very wrong.
• I'll have set backs and days where I feel bloated and I'm convinces I'll be this way forever, but I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who think (and know) otherwise to help lift me up.
• I've never thought it was about the number on the scale, and as much as I've tried to stick to that mantra, I'm a numbers person.  I have to weigh myself at least once every two days (if not once every morning), because those numbers are my motivation.  BUT, I no longer rely on those numbers to tell me how I'm doing.  Feeling better, having more energy, and baggier clothes are what I pay attention to.  It's different for everyone.

Overall, I'm very happy with how this challenge went.  I'll do my final weigh-in and measurements tomorrow morning.

I have come to terms with one thing, though.  My weight problem will always be a struggle.  Food is an addiction just like any other vice.  When I hit my goal look (I don't say weight because I honestly don't know what I'll look like at 150 pounds or 125 pounds), I don't think I'll ever have a chance to rest on my laurels.  I'll always fight this addiction.  

I had one big mess up during my Challenge, and it is so hard for me to admit this.  One night (maybe around 1 am), my craving for something sweet was so bad (this was around day 14 or 15 maybe) that I literally ate almost an entire small can of cocoa-dusted peanuts very quickly.  When they were all gone, I looked down in the empty can and realized what I had done.  Standing in a dark kitchen in the middle of the night with an empty can of sugared peanuts, I really understood what was going on.  It was at that moment that I knew, like really knew, that I was a binge eater.  I felt so ashamed of myself that I hid the can in hopes of discretely throwing it away without  Billy noticing.  The next day, he asked where his peanuts were, and I confessed.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and really, really sad about what I had done.  It was an a-ha moment for me, and as embarrassing as it is to tell you all that, maybe it can help someone else recognize binge eating in themselves.

The other day, I remembered how our elementary school teachers weighed us every year in front of our classmates.  In fifth grade, I was 131 pounds.  That is the first memory I have of my weight.  I had no idea then, but that's heavier than what I should be now (according to the charts... which are dumb in my opinion).  One hundred and thirty-one pounds.  I was ten years old.

So this battle is far from done.  I'm fighting for my life, almost literally.  Today, I had a scary episode in the gym where I almost passed out, and my throat closed up on me pretty tightly.  Whether it was hyperventilating or a panic attack or lack of oxygen or whatever, I was freaked out.  Ben and my mom both said exercise-induced asthma.  Whatever it was, I hope it doesn't happen again.  If it does, I'm going straight to the hospital.  I still don't feel quite right, even 4 hours later.  If anyone has any ideas or has ever experienced this, please provide some insight.

I will say this: I felt GREAT today while I was running.  I'm running at a 4.5 now (jogging, I guess... running for me), and my half-mile time was 7:15... the fastest yet.  I even kept time with my rowing after increasing the resistance from 3 to 5.  I felt pretty darn good about myself, even despite the freak episode later on in the workout.

I only had 20 squats left in the workout, but I wasn't allowed to finish.  That's okay though-- I understand-- especially considering the whole throat constriction happened once again on the way back to my office and again when I was on the phone with my mom about 20 minutes later.  No episodes since.

So for now, the Challenge may be over, but it's never really over.  Daily nutrition is a challenge in itself, a challenge that won't let up or give in anytime soon. 

Apologies for the long post.  I'll have more tomorrow with updates on weight and measurement.  I'm considering showing my before and after photos, but I haven't made a decision.  They are pretty bad, and will probably still be pretty bad even after pounds and inches lost.  Maybe, though, coming to terms with who I am and what I look like is a step toward healing that I have to take.

Maybe.