Friday, January 27, 2012
The Weight of It All
I hate that Im on an iPad now because I won't be able to type as fast as my mind will be working. I'll try my best
I think I've replaced my addiction to food with an addiction to weigh myself. Being out of town the past two days has been a struggle because, against my better judgement, I decided against bringing my scale to SC with me. I've been bouncing between seven pounds for about a month now, and in light of that, I've started weighing myself everyday (sometimes up to four or five times a day). I'm so mentally ready to be in new numbers that I just pray every time I get on that scale, I've lost another two pounds.
I know weighing myself so much is detrimental to the head game that goes along with weight loss, but I'm admittedly addicted to the thing people hate the most. It's the weirdest thing. I feel like I have a serious eating disorder with my scale.
I was talking with a friend of mine tonight, expressing my utter disdain about how I don't feel like I look like I've lost any weight. I feel my face is puffy, and, despite my ever-(slowly)-shrinking wardrobe, I feel like nothing is working. She brought up a good point: that I'm so focused on the number on the scale that, even though I am physically giving all I can during my workouts, am I mentally giving it my all? Somewhere in the back of my mind, am I thinking that what I'm doing isnt really going to do anything?
I think she's right. And I think that I'm scared to be smaller. Most people can't wait to be thin, but the truth is, I have no idea who I am skinny. I've only known the funny, fat girl who loves to make people laugh and smile. If you remember, Melissa said that she wondered if I was still going to be funny when I'm not able to make fun of myself. I'd like to think I will be, but I have no idea. I have no idea how or who skinny Erica will be.
I'm usually some form of Positive Polly as much as possible, but for the first time, I'm not sure how to tackle this mental roadblock I've come across.
I think step one is asking my mother to hide the scale. I think I'll only weigh myself on payday, which is twice a week. I hope I can stick to that, because I've gotten serious anxiety not being able to weigh myself the past two days.
On a side note, I did a lot better with food today! A 6" Subway sub for lunch and a grilled chicken Cobb salad for dinner. I was even able to get about 2.5 miles of walking in tonight, including a 90 walking ghost tour of downtown Charleston. Tomorrow, Amber and I are hitting the gym before the tournament starts.
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I'm with you, Erica.
ReplyDeleteTo preface, there's a book I adore called "The Artist's Way." It's meant to be a recovery/release of creativity, but upon my third reading of it, I realized that it was no longer just about creativity for me. It was about recovering/releasing health. One of the main ideas author Julia Cameron presents is that we get way too focused on the product of things. In fact, it is this focus on the product that causes some of us to never start the process of recovery, because we feel the product is too far away. Instead, she encourages us to gently transition to a way of thinking that focuses on the process or "the work," as she calls it. When we do the daily work, the goal takes care of itself. We begin to enjoy the work for its own sake and not for the sake of a temporary goal. In art, this can be a finished recital or gallery opening or selected screenplay. In health, I realized that even when the goal of a particular number on the scale is reached, the work isn't finished. It's never finished. And when I haven't fallen in love with the work itself, the goal can no longer take care of itself, either.
To relate, I recently had a massive epiphany about how to love the work of monitoring my food, and it's been successful on many levels, including weight loss. It's different than anything I've ever tried before, and it's hard to trust because it's not about deprivation. Even when I have a day that I know was a massive improvement over my past habits, I'm still afraid that I will not have lost weight, and am anxious to get on the scale the next morning. So I understand this tendency to get on the scale obsessively. My logical mind knows that the body plateaus or see-saws between numbers even when the habits are good, but my emotional mind is afraid of stepping over that line of the work no longer being effective or right or good. I'm reconnecting with the part of me that knows what's best for me, and I'm learning how to listen to it and trust it. I can't rush trust-building, as much as I want to.
I hope over time we both can enjoy the process without needing the constant approval of the scale.
Thanks, Jess. I'll have to check out this book! Something has gotta give!
DeleteFollow up: I was talking to my health therapist about this issue Friday, and she cautioned me against thinking of my changes in decision-making as an alternative to another self...one that made bad decisions, wrong decisions...one that I'm always a little afraid will show up again...and that the scale affirms is still being kept at bay. Instead, she suggested that the body is always trying to make decisions toward good health, but that they can get turned on their head sometimes. Every decision is made because there is a need that we are meeting, but we don't always recognize that there may be a better way to meet it with a choice that is more helpful in the long term and/or more holistically helpful. My therapist suggested that I start paying attention to what I'm needing anytime I have the urge to eat when I'm not actually hungry, then make a list of 20 ways I can fill that need without food.
ReplyDeleteIn the recent past, for example, when I needed to feel rested or to unwind from a long, hard work week, I would try to meet that need with large quantities of euphoria-inducing, relaxing simple carbs. At the time, I didn't recognize that as an attempt to meet the need of relaxation and stress-relief.
I share that because my scale addiction generally represents my lingering fear that I don't actually know how to take care of myself. But it was a major relief to realize that I don't have some alter-ego...some "bad" self that may pounce at any moment. All of those past decisions were made by the same person who has the same needs, and I'm now learning how to recognize each need and meet it without food. My goal is that the scale will become a simple measuring tool rather than a lookout post for the approaching (non-existent) enemy.