It's All in My Head

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why I'm fat.  Aside from eating bad foods occasionally, I had never been one (growing up) to gorge myself on a ton of sweets or eat a bunch of carbs.  I love salad, and I love veggies, and I love chicken.  Sounds like a healthy recipe, right?

It has just started donning on me that maybe part of the reason my body responds so slowly and/or not at all to healthy eating and exercise is because of all the negativity in my head.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-and-weight-connection

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/can-stress-cause-weight-gain

Just a few articles about the connection between depression/stress and how our body responds to it.  If I am truly, 100% truthful with myself, I've been depressed and stressed for a long, long time.  This starts years and years ago-- even back to elementary school.

Have you ever sat down at a cafeteria table just to have everyone jump up and pretend that your weight made their end of the table go up (even if it's 4 of them and only 1 of you)?

I don't remember how much I weighed growing up.  The earliest weight I can remember was in elementary school (maybe 5th grade?  maybe earlier?), back when teachers weighed you in front of everyone in your class.  This chunky boy and I decided to have a contest-- who weighed more?  I won.  I was 131 pounds in elementary school.

A good friend across the alley from me, someone whom I spent a lot of time with and trusted, ended our friendship by calling me a fatty.  I was heartbroken.  I came home and cried on my star-shaped Little Mermaid bean bag chair for hours.

My grandma would make comments when I was young (and she even still does this): "Erica, you'd be so pretty if you only lost a few pounds."

I remember another incident in elementary school where I locked myself in a dressing room and cried and cried to my mother when nothing I tried on fit.  I couldn't find one outfit in Sears (I believe?) that would fit my protruding belly and thick thighs.

Playing summer softball league in elementary school, I remember it was always troublesome finding softball pants that fit me.  I remember one particular instance where I had a pair of pants that were too small for me (but it was all we could find).  I was on the pitcher's mound trying to pitch a game, and my pant buttons kept popping open.  I was mortified.

My first best friend in elementary school, the person I rode bikes with and had sleepovers with and hung out with every free second of everyday and trusted with my life, called me a "pig" after years of friendship.

In middle school, I "dated" this boy for a minute (really, like a week) until he left a message on my home phone machine saying something like, "I'm dumping you.  I never liked you.  Did you really think that I could like someone as fat as you?  (laughter)  Go eat something, you fat bi*ch." (hangs up)

I remember wearing guys' jeans and sweaters for a long time because I couldn't find any girly things in my size.

The next weight-related issue I remember was buying jeans for my first year of high school.  I was a size 18 and struggled to find "cool" jeans at Fashion Bug.

I remember buying a pair of jeans at Goody's in high school, and I quickly grew out of them.  Not wanting to admit it, I continued to wear them to school until one day, in 11th grade English, the button popped off and everyone saw.

This is when it started becoming difficult to fit into the classroom desks.

I was the queen of Weight Watchers and Smart Ones meals.  I lost 25 pounds in high school on this program, only to gain it back (and then some) when it got too expensive.

My senior prom dress was a size 30.  It was taken in quite a bit, but do you know how it feels to see "30" on the tag?

I was a size 22 when I started college.  My freshman 15 turned in the freshman 45.  I briefly dated a guy who attended a Bible college during the summer after my junior year.  He was cute and charming, and he was supposedly a man after the Lord's own heart.  He took me to Kennywood (where I sat down in a ride and had to get up when the attendant couldn't buckle my belt).  When I finally asked what exactly we were a few weeks later, he responded with, "I can't tell anyone you're my girlfriend until you lose weight.  It's for your own good, really.  You really need to lose weight."

That following school year, I wrote and performed a satirical speech on Being Fat.  It won first place everywhere I competed.  It was the fat, funny girl--- a position I held dear to my heart for many years, because at least I was something.

During those speech competitions, I was always nervous.  What if the desks in the room aren't big enough?  I was queen of turning a desk sideways to sit in it.  Very distracting and sad.

The summer after my first senior year, I started seeing a nutritionist and working out at a local gym.  The whole thing cost my parents close to $100 a month, and I lost 18 pounds and and a ton of inches.  I remember looking down and being able to see my belt (a belt?!  I hadn't owned a belt EVER because I could never find one that fit).  Then the nutritionist told me I was failing because I wasn't losing enough weight.  I stalled for three weeks, and she told me that I obviously didn't want this for myself.  I was trying-- very hard-- to lose the weight.  I was doing everything she told me to do.  I quit seeing her after that, gaining the 18 pounds back, plus another 15 or so.

My final year of the college, I was asked to go to Tampa, FL for a training and interview process for the company I interned with.  When I got on the plane, I couldn't buckle the seat belt.  I was alone and had never been in that situation before.  I discreetly asked the flight attendant what to do, and she (loudly) proclaimed that she would get me an extender.  Embarrassing.

I was a size 26/28 when I graduated.  I had to re-order my graduation gown in a "big & tall" size because the normal-sized gowns didn't fit me.

Finding clothes for a job interview was awful.  Thankfully, stores began carrying larger sizes in the years since elementary and middle school, but I couldn't find much.  I wore the crap out of the one black suit I owned.

I've never owned jeans I didn't wear the inner-thighs out of.  It has never been easy finding bras wide enough to go around me.  I've always lived in hoodies because I think they cover up my stomach.  I've just recently started wearing shorts in the summer, let's face it, it's hot in WV in the summer.

There's all that, but then there's so much more.

My sister came out to my parents when I was in 8th grade (I believe).  It took my parents a LONG TIME (I mean years) before they adjusted to that news.  My sister went through a lot of personal stuff in the coming years, as well, but I felt like I had to do everything I could to make my parents proud.  I loved my sister then, and I love her now.  Her sexual orientation didn't matter to me, EVER.  However, my parents were disappointed for a long time, and for some crazy reason, I thought I had to be the source of their happiness.  So I played all the musical instruments and joined all the school activities and performed in all the school plays and went to all the summer camps and did all the things.  Always.  I always felt like my parents' happiness rested on my shoulders.

Then it became apparent that my father had a drinking problem.  Praise the Lord he has successfully fought that battle, but the tension in the household was unbearable.  Alcohol makes people do and say terrible, terrible things.  My dad missed many concerts of mine in college because of this.  He ruined relationships because of this.  He almost ruined his marriage because of this.  So I became my mom's best friend-- the friend she needed to get through this.  I sent myself into a whirlwind of emotions: I hate my dad, I love my mom, I hate my family, I need my family-- why can't I fix this?!

With each passing year and incident, I gained weight.  I became depressed.  I found solace in humor, and I tucked myself into that pocket of identification for years: I'm the fat, funny girl.  I'll be funny to you so you don't notice how fat I am.  Then you'll like me because I'm funny and be my friend even though I'm fat... because I make you laugh.  And who doesn't like a funny person?  

Until one day, I got sick of it.  I got sick of making everyone else happy.  I got sick of spilling out of my clothes.  Sick of wondering if I'd fit in a restaurant booth or car seat or whatever.

So I declared July 1, 2011-July 1, 2012 the Year of Erica.  I joined a gym, got hooked up with a trainer, and learned what "eating healthy" really means.  I was the happiest I had been in a very, very long time... truly happy.  I lost 60 lbs. between July 1, 2011 and May 2012.  Then I met someone that made me feel beautiful (like truly beautiful... something no one has ever done) and started a relationship with him.  Two days later, I broke my foot and ended that particular journey.

By the time my doctor cleared me to exercise (the week of Thanksgiving!!!), I had lost motivation.  I gained a lot of the weight back (like 45 lbs) between June 2012 and May 2013.  My life became very stressful during and after that (for reasons I won't go into here).  I tried dieting, but I failed.  Stress caused me to lose 29 pounds between May 2013 and May 2014 (I didn't even notice until I went to the doctor).  Then I hopped back on the exercise train mid-May of this year, and I fell off mid-August.  I did more than just fall off the train, I jumped and skidded every part of my body on rocky pavement.  Between May 14 and August 18, I lost 18 pounds and was kicking butt at the gym.  Now, I've gained 10 back.

So what does all this say?

I have terrible motivation, self-esteem, and self-image issues.  I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I short-change myself a LOT.  I don't set the bar higher for myself because I don't believe I'm worth the fight to climb up there and grab it.  I do this in many, many aspects of my life.

I find it hard to find the worth in the fat, funny friend.  I came to the realization that I associate a lot of people in my life with my weight, in one way or another.  Whether it was the friend that let me down by calling me a hurtful fat name, or a loved one that broke the trust by doing the same.

This isn't a woe-is-me post.  This is a post of self-realization and speaking it into existence.  I'm not sure how long the journey will be that will get me right again and fix the constant negative noise inside my head, but I know it's a journey I have to take.  I have to find a way to make myself realize that I'm worth every ounce of effort I put into other people--- and that effort has to be directed at me now.  No one else but me.

Never Miss a Monday

Ok, I can't say I've never missed a Monday.  I miss a lot of Mondays.  But today, I'm glad I didn't miss it.  I had a great workout.  Here is the breakdown:

Stationary Bike: 4 miles, cardio program, level 3, 15:45
Treadmill: Half-mile, HIIT, 8:20 (incline 5 at 3.5 pace, incline 3 at 3.7 pace, incline 0 jog, x2)
Rowing: 1000 meters, 5:24
Stationary Row: 25 reps, 60lbs
Bicep Curls: 25 reps, 20 lbs.
Dead Fishes: 40 each side
Crunches: 25 on stability ball
Total time: a little over an hour

This morning, I decided to put on a dress I hadn't worn in awhile.  I bought it over a year ago and wore it only once (with a girdle) because it was still too tight.  Today, I'm wearing it with NO girdle.

I need to get my arms under control!

Anyway, I revamped my workout playlist, and I thought I'd share since I've had to scour Pinterest for good songs.  Here is what I've come up with.

Fall Out Boy – My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)
Fall Out Boy – Thnks fr th Mmrs
Fall Out Boy – Dead On Arrival
AWOLNATION – Sail
Nelly – Country Grammar (Hot...)
Linkin Park – In The End
Eminem – Lose Yourself - Soundtrack Version (Explicit)
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
blink-182 – All The Small Things
The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret
Timbaland – The Way I Are
Jay-Z – Ni**as In Paris
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Pitbull – Timber
Eminem – Cinderella Man
Jay-Z – Holy Grail
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Can't Hold Us - feat. Ray Dalton
Bruno Mars – Locked Out Of Heaven
Lady Gaga – Applause
Bon Jovi – Livin' On A Prayer
Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue
Flo Rida – Right Round - US
Destiny's Child – Jumpin', Jumpin'
Starship – We Built This City
Ke$ha – Your Love Is My Drug
Rascal Flatts – Life is a Highway
Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
Icona Pop – I Love It (feat. Charli XCX) - Original Version
Nicki Minaj – Super Bass
Olly Murs – Troublemaker
Jason Derulo – The Other Side
Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train
Kanye West – Stronger
Ke$ha – TiK ToK
LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

I just hit Shuffle on Spotify and rock it out.  I like this playlist because it's big enough to hear different songs each time I workout for a few days.

What are your favorite workout tunes?

Before & After

Ok, I've finally made the decision to share my Advocare 24 Day Challenge before and after photos.  They aren't pretty, even the after pictures, but I don't care-- I'm proud of what the results I'm seeing.

I ask that you be kind.  I know what I look like.  You know what I look like.  Let's not make this more awkward that it already is.

Top pictures are before, bottom pictures are after.  This is a difference of 18.5 inches and (if I remember correctly) 12 pounds between the two, all in 24 days.

Here we go.  Please keep in mind the after pictures were at 6:30am.  I was a little sleepy.

I hope I have the guts to push publish on this blog.  I guess if you're reading it, I did.

This is probably more of me than you wanted to see, but if you clicked through from Facebook, you were warned.

I look at these pictures daily, especially on days like yesterday.  Let me apologize for my negativity, but I know anyone on a similar journey has days like yesterday.  Thanks for at least reading; I know writing it helped a lot.

My lack of motivation caused me to gain 2 pounds back, but I'm happy to report that, as of this morning, I've lost the 2 and am on a steady track downwards.

I've lost 16 pounds.  My new goal is 4 more pounds by next Friday, August 15.  That's the date of this big work gala function, and I just bought a new dress.  My goals: 4 pounds and don't look ugly in the new dress.

Thanks for reading.  I think I'll publish this.

#keepgoing

The Struggle Bus

I've been having a hard time lately.  With food, with exercise, with everything.  I feel like my body isn't responding because my mind is off in la-la land.

Since last Monday, my eating has been way out of whack.  I'm forgetting when to eat, when to take supps, everything.  I've had some pretty strong cravings that I haven't always been able to say no to.  Exercise is scaring me because of my breathing, and my body seems like it's falling apart.  I've lost no more weight.  I'm stuck at -16 lbs.

What is going on??

I've got to get my head in the game.  I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this, I want this.  I need this, I need this, I need this, I need this, I need this.

Thankfully, these past 2 days have been MUCH better on the nutrition front, and I have remembered when to eat and have planned carefully for my meals.  That is helping a bunch (obviously).

I hate going to the gym right now.  I dread it.

I hate putting up 4 miles on the stationary bike.  It's boring and annoying.

I've got to get my mind in the game-- who cares if 4 miles on the bike is boring, right?  It's only 15 minutes of my day.  WHY CAN'T I GET OVER THAT?!  I dread the gym everyday because of that damn stationary bike.

2 days in a row... 2 days... that I haven't been able to finish my half-mile strong.  Yesterday, I forgot my inhaler and let my mind get the best of me.  Today, I bent down to tie my shoe .3 miles of the way in and had something twist up in my back that was so painful, I started crying like a baby.

Billy got a new job and is gone 5 to 6 days a week.  I'm lonely.

I feel like life is getting the best of me, and I need to beat it.  I want to do life, not suck at it.

I'm sucking right now.

I've quit too many times, so don't worry-- I'm not quitting.  I just needed to vent.  I'm sure some of my other fitness/weight loss journey buddies can understand.

The wall to the other side is strong and mighty-- but so am I.

Keep going.

24/24

I did it.  I completed the Advocare 24 Day Challenge (as of midnight tonight)!  It's amazing how quickly it went and how much I learned in the past 3 and a half weeks.

• I have started to grow to like mustard (since I couldn't have mayo).
• I never took in enough calories when I've "dieted" before.  I've taken in a consistent 1,500-1,800 calories each day and have lost more weight/inches in 24 days than ever.
• Nutrition is so, so important.  It really is 70% eating and 30% exercise.
• Dairy was a large part of my life before (I LOVE CHEESE!), but even when I was allowed to take it in (days 11-24), I chose not to because I didn't really even crave it.
• I don't think I'm going to have a cheat meal after today.  As much as I'd like to go out to a restaurant to eat (like we did at least once or twice a week before), none of my prior favorites even sound good to me.
• I'm continuing to shop the way I did while I was on the Challenge.  I love that the first section I visit in the grocery store is the produce section (and since most of my food comes from 2-3 sections of the store, my shopping time has been cut almost in half-- those middle aisles are the devil).
• I really, and I mean really, like to hear people say they can tell I've lost weight.  I see myself everyday, and I'm used to seeing one thing in the mirror.  It's nice to have outside affirmation.
• No matter what anyone says, I don't NEED a full plate of spaghetti.  Pasta is my downfall, but I've found a way to make pasta taste great and feel great.
• Portion control is everything.  It's amazing what you learn about your own eating habits when you start measuring/weighing things out.  I never thought I overate; I was very wrong.
• I'll have set backs and days where I feel bloated and I'm convinces I'll be this way forever, but I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who think (and know) otherwise to help lift me up.
• I've never thought it was about the number on the scale, and as much as I've tried to stick to that mantra, I'm a numbers person.  I have to weigh myself at least once every two days (if not once every morning), because those numbers are my motivation.  BUT, I no longer rely on those numbers to tell me how I'm doing.  Feeling better, having more energy, and baggier clothes are what I pay attention to.  It's different for everyone.

Overall, I'm very happy with how this challenge went.  I'll do my final weigh-in and measurements tomorrow morning.

I have come to terms with one thing, though.  My weight problem will always be a struggle.  Food is an addiction just like any other vice.  When I hit my goal look (I don't say weight because I honestly don't know what I'll look like at 150 pounds or 125 pounds), I don't think I'll ever have a chance to rest on my laurels.  I'll always fight this addiction.  

I had one big mess up during my Challenge, and it is so hard for me to admit this.  One night (maybe around 1 am), my craving for something sweet was so bad (this was around day 14 or 15 maybe) that I literally ate almost an entire small can of cocoa-dusted peanuts very quickly.  When they were all gone, I looked down in the empty can and realized what I had done.  Standing in a dark kitchen in the middle of the night with an empty can of sugared peanuts, I really understood what was going on.  It was at that moment that I knew, like really knew, that I was a binge eater.  I felt so ashamed of myself that I hid the can in hopes of discretely throwing it away without  Billy noticing.  The next day, he asked where his peanuts were, and I confessed.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and really, really sad about what I had done.  It was an a-ha moment for me, and as embarrassing as it is to tell you all that, maybe it can help someone else recognize binge eating in themselves.

The other day, I remembered how our elementary school teachers weighed us every year in front of our classmates.  In fifth grade, I was 131 pounds.  That is the first memory I have of my weight.  I had no idea then, but that's heavier than what I should be now (according to the charts... which are dumb in my opinion).  One hundred and thirty-one pounds.  I was ten years old.

So this battle is far from done.  I'm fighting for my life, almost literally.  Today, I had a scary episode in the gym where I almost passed out, and my throat closed up on me pretty tightly.  Whether it was hyperventilating or a panic attack or lack of oxygen or whatever, I was freaked out.  Ben and my mom both said exercise-induced asthma.  Whatever it was, I hope it doesn't happen again.  If it does, I'm going straight to the hospital.  I still don't feel quite right, even 4 hours later.  If anyone has any ideas or has ever experienced this, please provide some insight.

I will say this: I felt GREAT today while I was running.  I'm running at a 4.5 now (jogging, I guess... running for me), and my half-mile time was 7:15... the fastest yet.  I even kept time with my rowing after increasing the resistance from 3 to 5.  I felt pretty darn good about myself, even despite the freak episode later on in the workout.

I only had 20 squats left in the workout, but I wasn't allowed to finish.  That's okay though-- I understand-- especially considering the whole throat constriction happened once again on the way back to my office and again when I was on the phone with my mom about 20 minutes later.  No episodes since.

So for now, the Challenge may be over, but it's never really over.  Daily nutrition is a challenge in itself, a challenge that won't let up or give in anytime soon. 

Apologies for the long post.  I'll have more tomorrow with updates on weight and measurement.  I'm considering showing my before and after photos, but I haven't made a decision.  They are pretty bad, and will probably still be pretty bad even after pounds and inches lost.  Maybe, though, coming to terms with who I am and what I look like is a step toward healing that I have to take.

Maybe.

It's Working!

Hello, friends!  What a crazy 15 days it's been so far!

I'm on Day 15 of incorporating Advocare products and diet recommendations into my daily eating/workout routines, and it's working!  It's a winning combination that has worked really well for me so far.

Days 1-10 were the cleanse phase that I talked about in my last post.  After those first 10 days and the cleanse phase, I'm happy to report that I lost 5 pounds and 14 inches!!  (I measured my chest, waist, hips, and thighs, per Advocare's recommendation.)  I worked my BUTT off in the gym, starting my half-mile time of 8 minutes and something.  I now have my half-mile time down to 7:35!  I also started my 1000-meter rowing at 6:23.  I'm now down to 5:36!!!!

Just a reminder of my before picture:

Hello, back fat.  I hate you.  This was a picture of me last Wednesday after my workout.  Check out the awesome sweat ring!

Hello, less back fat!  I'm starting to see a difference, and so are other people.  That's awesome.  MOST IMPORTANTLY, I'M FEELING SO MUCH BETTER!

I'm so very happy with how I'm doing.  Now that I'm 15 days in (5 days past the cleanse phase and 5 days into the MAX Phase now), I'm down another 2.5 pounds (7.5 total), and I'm only 5.5 pounds away from my 13-pound goal for the 24 Day Challenge.

Eating is getting easier-- meals are getting easier to figure out-- saying "NO" to things like birthday cake is still hard, but I keep reminding myself that this 24 Day Challenge is just that-- A CHALLENGE.  The boyfriend's brother told me yesterday (as I was trying to figure out HOW I could eat a piece of cake): "If you start cheating now, you won't stop cheating.  You've decided to do this-- so do it."

So I didn't have the cake, and yes, I CAN DO THIS.

Although I'm allowed moderate amounts of fat-free dairy on the MAX Phase, I really haven't eaten any.  I did buy some fat free Greek vanilla yogurt and Bear Naked granola for breakfast or a snack, but I'm really watching how I'm using my dairy freedom.  I get plenty of calcium from my unsweetened almond milk, too, so I'm not that worried.  Could I sit down and eat a block of cheese?  Heck yes.  Am I going to?  No.  

JUST MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS is what one of my Advocare coaches told me.  He also told me that if I restrict too much, I won't be able to make this a lifestyle habit.  So I'm taking that into consideration, too, but I'm playing by the book for these 24 days.  I HAVE TO in order for this to happen for me.

So I have 10 days left on the challenge.  I won't do anymore measurements until then.  I'll weigh myself every so often, but I'm so excited to see how this all turns out!  I'm so close to "new numbers" I can taste it... and it tastes like free-range chicken and steamed broccoli!! ;)

Onward and on-forth.  JUST KEEP GOING!

Advocare 24 Day Challenge--- Day 5

So here's a little update on how my 24 Day Challenge with Advocare is shaping up...

Days 2 and 3 were AWESOME.  I felt the best I've felt in a LONG time.  I was starting to get the eating down a lot better and figuring out what my body was needing and not getting.  I've increased my protein, and it's helping me stay fuller for longer and give me more energy.

Then I woke up for Day 4.  I woke up 45 minutes late.  I had a headache all day.  The Spark wasn't touching my energy level yesterday, and I was irritable.  I JUST WANT A BIG BOWL OF PASTA AND SOME CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE DOUGH ICE CREAM!  It wasn't a good day, but I also had to change around my fiber drinks in the morning.  On Day 4, you stop taking the fiber drink and add in a probiotic.  Honestly, I think my body went into shock because the way I've been eating has been SO drastically different.  I am getting enough sugar through fruit, but my body isn't getting the amount of sugar and "sugar" through diet cokes or cereal or even fruit in the afternoon and evening (I try to have all sugars out after my orange at lunch).  My body is like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!???!  My mother thinks I drank way too much water on Day 3 (168 oz).  Something about it dulling my electrolytes.

The only thing I'm completely satisfied with is the fact that the Spark seems to have no effect on me anymore-- I couldn't have gotten used to it already?!  It did nothing for me yesterday or this morning.  We'll see...

I need to come up with more food ideas-- clean eating is boring, but probably just because I'm not very creative.

Ben was really pushing me this week, and I really appreciated that.  On Wednesday, I did great on my half-mile.  My time was 7:59, which means if I would have kept up the pace, I would have made a mile in under 16 minutes, which is crazy for me.  I have to get into my head and really start bearing down on my workouts.  My mind likes to give up way quicker than my body will-- I have to keep pushing and getting better.

Here comes the weekend-- I think the weekend will help give me some time to actually sit down.  All I feel like I do is buy food, prep food, cook food, and eat food.  If I'm not doing any of those, I'm thinking about doing one of those.

Next time you see me will be Monday-- day 8!  I can do this! :)