Second Thoughts, Second Chances, and Second Beginnings

I'm a pretty realistic person. I research things. I have fairly good forethought. I seek out and gather information when I need to. I try to make informed decisions.

For the most part, I do fairly well, especially with life-changing events. 

Like gastric sleeve surgery.

I can't even begin to tell you how many articles I read or people I talked to or social media groups I joined/followed or personal (horror) stories I read or YouTube videos I watched before finally making the decision to follow through with bariatric surgery in 2015 with Dr. Shin at CAMC Bariatric Center in Charleston, WV. If I was going to go under the knife and have surgery to completely change the way my body functions regarding nutrient absorption and food digestion, I was going to know what was up.

I went into that surgery possibly more informed than the nurses and doctors performing it. My knowledge helped me remain calm before surgery and provided me with tons of information on what to expect post-op.

I am now less than a month out from another life-changing surgery, and I feel incredibly ill-prepared for it. I have met my surgeon and his staff once, where I met with Dr. Shin and his staff monthly for six months before going under. I haven't done nearly the research I did before, and I just now--today--watched a YouTube video of part of the procedure I'm having done (fleur-de-lis panniculectomy with abdominal muscle repair). 

If I'm being honest--the video made me squeamish. Like, almost kind of nauseous. But, I finished it and immediately texted my mom.

Her first question was: "Are you having second thoughts?"

The truth is... I've been having second thoughts ever since I started this process at the beginning of the year. Before I met my surgeon and his staff, I had second thoughts. When I ended a nearly seven-year relationship and realized I'd have no one to protect me or share this with me, I had second thoughts. When I realized I gained 15 lbs from that initial consultation, I had second thoughts. When my surgery was rescheduled from October 24 to December 12, I had second thoughts. When I look in the mirror and pull up my extra skin and wonder what the kind of holy hell, stitched together, rag doll mess I'll look like when it's all said and done, I have second thoughts.

But when I watched this video, no... no, I didn't have second thoughts.

In fact, my first thought was (aside from nausea), was, "Eff yes, let's GO!"

I'm ready. I'm so ready now. That video showed me hope and a foreshadowing of a life I've never known. It showed me a glimpse into how I'm going to be taken apart, altered, and put back together. It showed me that the days of my "apron" resting on my legs when I sit or walk or run are over. It showed me freedom from these remaining shackles.

I don't know what I'm going to look like after surgery. All I know is that I'm going to look (and feel) a hell of a lot better than I do now. I'm currently a size 16. Am I going to be a size 8 when this is all said and done? No; I'll never be a size 8. I'll probably never be a size 10 (I've got hips, yo). After surgery, and after the swelling goes down, I still may be a size 16. I may be a 14. A size 12 is probably pushing it (because I've got thighs, yo).

But I'm okay with any of it. However my body ends up after surgery is how it ends up. No amount of research, preparation, or worry is now going to change that. I'm doing this thing, and I'm hyper aware that I have had the great blessing of second chances in life.

And I'm not going to waste it this time.

Being Still

Oftentimes in life, we are placed in a situation that forces us to move in some way--whether that's physically, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. Usually, these "pressure points" of life are challenges that we must figure out how to overcome, or change, or lighten.

Many times, these points can be things like the death of a family member, a geographical move brought on by a new job, losing a friendship or relationship, or even a conviction that pushes us into change.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on these types of life moves and, more so, on things that I wish I had moved about myself a long time ago. Things that I wish I would have been able to figure out or fix or stop long before they were actually figured out or fixed or stopped. 

But what about the times when we're meant to not move? The times when we're meant to stay exactly where we are, right then, and just be still?

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Being still is much harder to do than to say. Trust me. I spent six years trying to move something that didn't want moved. And, as much as I tried to figure out how to move this thing, nothing I did worked. I never got the answers. I never got the satisfaction. In fact, this thing regressed. It pushed back, and hard, and I was doing all I could to find sure footing to brace myself against its incredible force. 

And, I still never won. Not in the slightest. In fact, I was pushed down, battered up, worn out, and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. (Have you ever walked by your reflection and it literally stopped you in your tracks because you wondered who that person was in the mirror staring back at you?)

Then one day, after six and a half years of struggle, I stopped. I just quit. I didn't try to force answers to questions I knew were correct. I didn't push to figure out why things were the way they were. I just stood still and observed. I waited, patiently, and took everything in.

When I did this, I started noticing things, like inconsistencies in stories, differences in behavior I'd not really noticed before, and weird things that just raised all kinds of red flags. And, when I started taking account of these things I was starting to notice, I realized that I'd seen all these things before. The only difference this time, though, was that I wasn't trying to save the situation. I wasn't trying to fix things. I wasn't trying to change something. I was just letting it be... letting the situations play out how they were going to play out.

And, boy... did they play out. But that's a different story for a different day.

Point being--I learned more in the two months that I was still than in the six and a half years that I tried to force change. In those times when I just sat back (and, sometimes, that was literally) and watched and listened, with no judgement or action needed, I became enlightened to a situation that was right in the front of my face, despite me not being able to actually see it. I was always trying to look past it; looking it in the eye was too scary for me.

If you have situations in your life where you're struggling--times of frustration where nothing you seem to do is working--just stop and wait. Wait in the stillness. Listen in the stillness. You'll learn so much more in the quiet than you do in the chaos.

XOXO

I'm Back!

Hi friends!

I don't know who still follows this blog--do people still blog anymore? I don't even know. But seven years after I started this thing--not even touching it for more than half that time--I found yet another reason to start writing down my life.

It changed.

Life does that. It changes, shifts, morphs into lots of different things over the course of seven years. It teaches us things--some good, some bad--and it drags us through the trenches, leaving bruises and scars behind. But, sometimes life surprises us, too. Sometimes, it willingly bends down and offers us the world, laying it at our feet as it's there, ours for the taking.

Life is confusing, too. The minute we have it all figured out--the minute we bend down to take what is so freely being offered to us--is the minute life laughs at us and says, "Nope, not this time. You've got some learning to do."

So throughout all these ebbs and flows--these high peaks and these low valleys--these moments of taking and moments of giving--we figure out small pieces of our being along the way and collect them. We put them in a jar for safekeeping, vowing that we "never have to learn that lesson again!" We seal the lid and hold the jar closely during our journeys, maybe even tuck it in our backpacks, wrapping the jar in shirts and towels so in case we do stumble and fall, the jar will remain intact.

But for as much care as we take in keeping these learned lessons safeguarded, we often forget to use them. We want to protect what we've learned so much so that we don't ever take those lessons out of the jar and apply them to life.

Which is exactly why I have to laugh at the phrase, "I never have to learn that lesson again." Yes, I will. Yes, you will. We will come to various points in our journeys that will offer us a challenge meant to teach us something. Sometimes that challenges an exact repeat of what we've already faced, and sometimes that challenge is different but warrants the same outcome. (Kind of like how they put the same question on a test but ask it in multiple ways to see if they can trip us up?) We will almost always trip up. But that's okay.

When you're faced with a challenge, even one you've faced and (maybe) overcome--remember that the first thought you have is what you're conditioned to think. The second thought is what defines you. And, just because you've been conditioned to think something does NOT mean it's right, or healthy, or the correct way for YOU. Pause, and think again, because it's that second thought that can make all the difference.

XOXO

We're Always Under Construction--it's a Forever Journey.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a strong urge to begin blogging again.

So here I am, nearly two years since I last updated, trying to re-imagine my old blog in a new way. This is why you may (or may not) notice that the title of this blog as changed from Under Construction to A Forever Journey. This is for a few reasons, but mostly because I'm tying in all aspects of my social media existence to this brand.

I'm not exactly sure what the brand is yet, so stay tuned! My weight loss account on Insta is @AForeverJourney. My Pampered Chef business page on Facebook is A Forever Journey with Erica. Both places create space for frank conversation on life, love, past and future failures, humor, cooking, Pampered Chef... I'm kind of all over the place. But, I remembered how much I loved putting my thoughts on a page... any page... so here we are.

I am currently 3 years and 7 months post-op vertical sleeve gastrectomy, a bariatric surgery where 80-85% of your stomach is removed through a small opening. My highest weight was over 350lbs, my surgery weight was 326.5lbs, my lowest weight was 206lbs, and my current weight is 220lbs.

I am SO grateful for my weight loss surgery, as it's by far the GREATEST tool I've ever used to help me safely get the weight off. NOW, I'm moving on to phase two: skin removal. In October, I'll be undergoing a fleur di lis tummy tuck and muscle repair. I'm really hoping to see a 1 in front of my weight by the end of the year.

I want you to be a part of that with me, but I also want you to be a part of LIFE with me... and life is much more than weight loss and surgeries and what you eat. Life is our small sliver of the universe--what we can take and give and change--knowing that our lives matter and impact things around us.

Our lives are forever journeys and can be whatever we want them to be. I'm just here trying to figure out how I want my journey to go, and I'd love to have you along for the ride.

XOXO

A New Beginning, A New Lease on Life

January 4, 2012... I started a blog.  This blog was to chronicle the journey to the center of my core, my very being, innate, and raw as could be.  It detailed the ups and downs of my weight loss journey and everything in between.  These words are from my second blog post:

"I wish I had a picture of what I looked like in July 2011 when I started my weight loss journey, but thankfully, I had finally realized what I actually looked like instead of what I thought I looked like.  At that point, I tried to have my picture taken as little as possible.  Unless you've ever been a heavy person in a world littered with small people, I don't know if you can ever reach the level of insane self-awareness that we, as large people, live with every single day.  We worry if we'll fit on amusement park rides or in a restaurant booth.  We struggle with finding fashionable clothes that fit well.  We worry that we'll be single forever because we'll never find someone to love us as we are (because we can't even love ourselves as we are).  I have never been open about being overweight; I didn't think I needed to be.  After all, it was obvious, wasn't it?  I mean, I was a walking billboard for every single plus size clothing line out there.  It's not as though I could really hide the amount of space I took up in the world.  So why should I hide it from myself?"

On July 23, 2015, my weight loss journey changed a little.  In July 2015, I weighed 327 pounds.  That is 327 cans of beans, blocks of butter, baseballs, and guinea pigs.  That is 32 six-foot aluminum step ladders, large bag of potatoes, or adult Maltese dogs.  That's 13 two-year old toddlers.  Almost 10 cinder blocks.  I weighed the same as more than TWO Complete Oxford English Dictionaries.

At my heaviest, somewhere between 2009-2011, I weighed 350 pounds.  That's a lot of blocks of butter.Today is July 19, and I weigh 245.2 pounds.  I'm still obese, even with 105 pounds gone. I've been asked a lot about how I'm losing the weight.  While it's nice that people notice, I have to take this time to say that it's totally up to you whether you tell people how you do it.  It's no one's business but your own, frankly, and you have to decide if that's even something you want to discuss with people.Because weight loss is a personal journey.  It's different for everyone, and my tactics may not work for you.  And that's okay.  

I've been a serial dieter since high school, and I'm a life-long learner--- therefore I research and research and research new methods of weight loss.  I've done Weight Watchers, Advocare, a Nutritionist, Low Carb, Low Fat, Sugar-Free & Fat-Free (chemical shit storms, by the way), and so many others.  I was never happy with my body, with how others saw my body, and with how my body functioned.  After losing weight and gaining weight multiple times (it's a vicious cycle), I put my head down and conceded I would be fat my entire life.   The 'Fat Funny Friend,' a role I played so well.

July 1, 2011, I declared a Year of Erica and started at a gym.  I quickly began working out with a personal trainer and, by May 30, had lost 60 pounds!  I was stronger, healthier, and happier than I had been in a LONG time.  May 31, I broke my foot, and my broken foot had broken my dreams.  I continued on as long as I can could, but life set in and I gained most of the 60 pounds back (over the course of a few years).  This portion of my journey taught me a lot about nutrition and what was good for you and what was not.  I also learned a lot about my body, what it could handle, and how strong it could actually be.

As the calendar year turned to 2015, I was unhappy with a lot of things in my life, my weight, my attitude, and my mentality being the most obvious.  I had been trying to lose weight over the course of the previous few years, but the bottom line was nothing was working.  On July 14, I decided to take matters into my own hands and visit a doctor in the Buckhannon area.  I had one mission: get a referral for bariatric surgery.

Dr. Amiee Whitehair at Tri-County was my first stop, and from there, she referred me to Dr. Robert Shin at Charleston Area Medical Clinic.  I had known a few people who had used Dr. Shin with wonderful results, and I had met him before and liked him.  So with bloodwork in hands, I took the trip with my parents to see him on July 23.  This was my initial consultation.  From there, I completed 6 months of supervised medical weight loss (I actually gained .5 pounds in this stage), along with a slew of other things: endoscopy, more blood work, a breathing test, EKG, psych evaluation, nutritionist appointments... the list goes on.  On Dec. 2, I completed the final phase of my pre-op requirements with a psych evaluation, and then waited to hear from the insurance. First round of blood work done (7/14/2015)My first home weigh-in at 330.2 pounds (my home scales consistently weigh me 3.5 pounds heavier than the doctor's scales)  After my Psych Eval (12/2/2015)You see, even though I had done everything I needed for insurance approval, there was still a chance I wouldn't be approved.  I heard the following week that I was, in fact, approved, and my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy surgery was scheduled for Saturday, Dec. 19, 2015 at 11:15am.Here are some before photos April 2011 December 16, 2015 (two days before surgery and last full-body photo before) Some comparison photos Before my "last supper" at Shogun... liquid diet starts tomorrow!Vertical sleeve gastrectomy is surgery to help with weight loss. The surgeon removes a large portion of your stomach. The new, smaller stomach is about the size of a banana. It limits the amount of food you can eat by making you feel full after eating small amounts of food.Basics of the surgery My sister and me before they wheeled me out to surgeryToday is my 7 month Surgiversary, and I am down 85 pounds since, and 104.8 pounds from my highest weight.  This surgery absolutely saved my life.But it is most certainly not the easy way out.Did you know that the bodies of most morbidly obese people become so used to being morbidly obese that it is almost impossible to change?  This is scientific fact.  The way our bodies store and burn fat can shift and become abnormal, making the cycle of weight gain and loss and gain again much more dramatic and much harder to overcome.  For some, bariatric surgery is the only way to a healthier life.For many, it is not the choice they make.  For me, it was the choice I had to make.I didn't tell many people about my decision to have surgery, not because I was ashamed, but because of the stigmas attached to these surgeries.  I wasn't in the right head space to handle them.  Many family members were already expressing their concern with the surgery, including some immediate family members.  This is the most difficult thing I went through of this entire process.  Do you know how difficult it is to finally stand up and say, "This is my life, this is my decision, and that's that?"  Until the moment they wheeled me back for surgery, I felt like I was still trying to convince everyone that this decision was the right one.  Weight loss is, after all, less calories and more movement.  That doesn't change with surgery.  I still have to watch what I eat, when I eat, and how much I eat, and I still have to increase my exercise/movement.  The difference here is that my now tiny tummy is helping me better gauge all this.  I can't overeat because if I do, I get sick.  I can't eat much of the wrong stuff because if I do, I get sick.  The "sick" part can be anything from a bloated feeling to actually throwing up (this has only happened once to me... once it happens, you don't want it to happen again). a typical post-op meal (around 1.5-2.5 months out)My tummy is now the size of a banana and can hold between 2-5 oz of food and liquid.  Bariatric patients are on a high protein/low carb diet, so I always eat my protein first.  Then I'll move to veggies and so on.  We are cautioned to stay away from things like bread, popcorn, rice, and pasta because it swells and takes up valuable room in your sleeve.  We work toward getting between 60-90g of protein a day.My vertical sleeve gastrectomy surgery is the best tool in my tool belt of weight loss.  It has given me a new lease on life, and even though the adjustments have been incredibly larger, it was the best decision for me and my medical history.  I was one of those abnormal fat people-- I didn't have anything else wrong with me.  I didn't have diabetes or hypertension, no sleep apnea, nothing.  Yet I am completely convinced that, given my familial medical history, this couldn't have stayed this way for long.Bariatric patients make a life-long commitment to their health.  I have to follow up with my surgeon for the rest of my life, and I will be on certain vitamins (B-12) for the rest of my life.  I currently take B-12, Biotin (to strengthen my hair because you do experience hair loss after this surgery), vitamin D, pantoprazole (for acid reflux, which can become worse after surgery), and a pre-natal vitamin for the folic acid.  I'll likely be on this, or a similar regimen, for the rest of my life.  I am okay with this, considering the alternative. Some side-by-side comparison pictures College graduation, 25th birthday, and a few from this yearMy weight loss journey is likely not your weight loss journey, and that is okay.  Each day, I continue to make my journey the best journey it can be.  I get people throwing shade at me for my decision, but what others think of you is NONE of your business.   The Bible even tells us this in 1 Corinthians.  Guess what?  I'm justified, just the way I am, in His glory.  That's all I need.Finally, truly and completely happy in this skinBut I have to urge you that if you know someone who is in the decision-making process of having surgery, or if you know someone who has surgery, please be supportive.  I'm not sure it is anyone's goal to have to utilize a bariatric surgeon, so don't make them feel as though it's a lesser option and "doing it yourself is the right way."  There is no right way in a weight loss journey-- there is only the way that best fits you and your lifestyle and history.  Just because someone has weight loss surgery does not mean they are fat and lazy.  Just because someone has weight loss surgery does not mean they are a failure.  Just because someone has weight loss surgery does not mean they are any less of a person than someone who lost weight the "natural" way.  Just because someone has weight loss surgery does not make them any less of a person.The best thing you can do for someone in your life who is anywhere in the process is just support them, because the sleeve life is not an easy one.  The decision is not an easy one.  If you yourself has not struggled with your own weight, you have no idea what it is like to be in the mind or body of an overweight, obese, morbidly obese class III person.  You don't, and that is okay.  Be a support system, be there, be present-- that's what they will need the most.
 



 Whatever your journey, you can do it.  You are the only person responsible for you.  Only you can change your future. If you want to continue to follow my journey, find me on Instagram at @aforeverjourney. Weight loss surgery isn't for everyone.  Please research each procedure and see what best fits your lifestyle.  Do not go into surgery blindly-- this decision will affect you for the rest of your life.  If you have questions, I'd love to answer them!  I could point you in the direction of a couple great surgeons in the area.  Talk to your family, but also realize that you will encounter skeptics.  Remember that this decision is yours and yours alone, because you are the one who will have to live with the consequences.  Also know that everyone's journey is different, and not all surgeries go as planned.  Please inform yourself of all health risks associated with these types of surgeries.  Also, check out the below resources for information on bariatric surgery:https://asmbs.org/patients/bariatric-surgery-procedureshttp://www.obesitycoverage.com/bariatric-surgery-selector-tool/http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/bariatric-surgery/basics/definition/prc-20019138You can also find others who have had various bariatric surgeries on YouTube or Instagram.  Search the hashtags #wls, #rny, or #vsg to find me and others like me who are living the daily struggles and successes of bariatric surgery.  




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It's All in My Head

Lately, I've been trying to figure out why I'm fat.  Aside from eating bad foods occasionally, I had never been one (growing up) to gorge myself on a ton of sweets or eat a bunch of carbs.  I love salad, and I love veggies, and I love chicken.  Sounds like a healthy recipe, right?

It has just started donning on me that maybe part of the reason my body responds so slowly and/or not at all to healthy eating and exercise is because of all the negativity in my head.

http://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-and-weight-connection

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/can-stress-cause-weight-gain

Just a few articles about the connection between depression/stress and how our body responds to it.  If I am truly, 100% truthful with myself, I've been depressed and stressed for a long, long time.  This starts years and years ago-- even back to elementary school.

Have you ever sat down at a cafeteria table just to have everyone jump up and pretend that your weight made their end of the table go up (even if it's 4 of them and only 1 of you)?

I don't remember how much I weighed growing up.  The earliest weight I can remember was in elementary school (maybe 5th grade?  maybe earlier?), back when teachers weighed you in front of everyone in your class.  This chunky boy and I decided to have a contest-- who weighed more?  I won.  I was 131 pounds in elementary school.

A good friend across the alley from me, someone whom I spent a lot of time with and trusted, ended our friendship by calling me a fatty.  I was heartbroken.  I came home and cried on my star-shaped Little Mermaid bean bag chair for hours.

My grandma would make comments when I was young (and she even still does this): "Erica, you'd be so pretty if you only lost a few pounds."

I remember another incident in elementary school where I locked myself in a dressing room and cried and cried to my mother when nothing I tried on fit.  I couldn't find one outfit in Sears (I believe?) that would fit my protruding belly and thick thighs.

Playing summer softball league in elementary school, I remember it was always troublesome finding softball pants that fit me.  I remember one particular instance where I had a pair of pants that were too small for me (but it was all we could find).  I was on the pitcher's mound trying to pitch a game, and my pant buttons kept popping open.  I was mortified.

My first best friend in elementary school, the person I rode bikes with and had sleepovers with and hung out with every free second of everyday and trusted with my life, called me a "pig" after years of friendship.

In middle school, I "dated" this boy for a minute (really, like a week) until he left a message on my home phone machine saying something like, "I'm dumping you.  I never liked you.  Did you really think that I could like someone as fat as you?  (laughter)  Go eat something, you fat bi*ch." (hangs up)

I remember wearing guys' jeans and sweaters for a long time because I couldn't find any girly things in my size.

The next weight-related issue I remember was buying jeans for my first year of high school.  I was a size 18 and struggled to find "cool" jeans at Fashion Bug.

I remember buying a pair of jeans at Goody's in high school, and I quickly grew out of them.  Not wanting to admit it, I continued to wear them to school until one day, in 11th grade English, the button popped off and everyone saw.

This is when it started becoming difficult to fit into the classroom desks.

I was the queen of Weight Watchers and Smart Ones meals.  I lost 25 pounds in high school on this program, only to gain it back (and then some) when it got too expensive.

My senior prom dress was a size 30.  It was taken in quite a bit, but do you know how it feels to see "30" on the tag?

I was a size 22 when I started college.  My freshman 15 turned in the freshman 45.  I briefly dated a guy who attended a Bible college during the summer after my junior year.  He was cute and charming, and he was supposedly a man after the Lord's own heart.  He took me to Kennywood (where I sat down in a ride and had to get up when the attendant couldn't buckle my belt).  When I finally asked what exactly we were a few weeks later, he responded with, "I can't tell anyone you're my girlfriend until you lose weight.  It's for your own good, really.  You really need to lose weight."

That following school year, I wrote and performed a satirical speech on Being Fat.  It won first place everywhere I competed.  It was the fat, funny girl--- a position I held dear to my heart for many years, because at least I was something.

During those speech competitions, I was always nervous.  What if the desks in the room aren't big enough?  I was queen of turning a desk sideways to sit in it.  Very distracting and sad.

The summer after my first senior year, I started seeing a nutritionist and working out at a local gym.  The whole thing cost my parents close to $100 a month, and I lost 18 pounds and and a ton of inches.  I remember looking down and being able to see my belt (a belt?!  I hadn't owned a belt EVER because I could never find one that fit).  Then the nutritionist told me I was failing because I wasn't losing enough weight.  I stalled for three weeks, and she told me that I obviously didn't want this for myself.  I was trying-- very hard-- to lose the weight.  I was doing everything she told me to do.  I quit seeing her after that, gaining the 18 pounds back, plus another 15 or so.

My final year of the college, I was asked to go to Tampa, FL for a training and interview process for the company I interned with.  When I got on the plane, I couldn't buckle the seat belt.  I was alone and had never been in that situation before.  I discreetly asked the flight attendant what to do, and she (loudly) proclaimed that she would get me an extender.  Embarrassing.

I was a size 26/28 when I graduated.  I had to re-order my graduation gown in a "big & tall" size because the normal-sized gowns didn't fit me.

Finding clothes for a job interview was awful.  Thankfully, stores began carrying larger sizes in the years since elementary and middle school, but I couldn't find much.  I wore the crap out of the one black suit I owned.

I've never owned jeans I didn't wear the inner-thighs out of.  It has never been easy finding bras wide enough to go around me.  I've always lived in hoodies because I think they cover up my stomach.  I've just recently started wearing shorts in the summer, let's face it, it's hot in WV in the summer.

There's all that, but then there's so much more.

My sister came out to my parents when I was in 8th grade (I believe).  It took my parents a LONG TIME (I mean years) before they adjusted to that news.  My sister went through a lot of personal stuff in the coming years, as well, but I felt like I had to do everything I could to make my parents proud.  I loved my sister then, and I love her now.  Her sexual orientation didn't matter to me, EVER.  However, my parents were disappointed for a long time, and for some crazy reason, I thought I had to be the source of their happiness.  So I played all the musical instruments and joined all the school activities and performed in all the school plays and went to all the summer camps and did all the things.  Always.  I always felt like my parents' happiness rested on my shoulders.

Then it became apparent that my father had a drinking problem.  Praise the Lord he has successfully fought that battle, but the tension in the household was unbearable.  Alcohol makes people do and say terrible, terrible things.  My dad missed many concerts of mine in college because of this.  He ruined relationships because of this.  He almost ruined his marriage because of this.  So I became my mom's best friend-- the friend she needed to get through this.  I sent myself into a whirlwind of emotions: I hate my dad, I love my mom, I hate my family, I need my family-- why can't I fix this?!

With each passing year and incident, I gained weight.  I became depressed.  I found solace in humor, and I tucked myself into that pocket of identification for years: I'm the fat, funny girl.  I'll be funny to you so you don't notice how fat I am.  Then you'll like me because I'm funny and be my friend even though I'm fat... because I make you laugh.  And who doesn't like a funny person?  

Until one day, I got sick of it.  I got sick of making everyone else happy.  I got sick of spilling out of my clothes.  Sick of wondering if I'd fit in a restaurant booth or car seat or whatever.

So I declared July 1, 2011-July 1, 2012 the Year of Erica.  I joined a gym, got hooked up with a trainer, and learned what "eating healthy" really means.  I was the happiest I had been in a very, very long time... truly happy.  I lost 60 lbs. between July 1, 2011 and May 2012.  Then I met someone that made me feel beautiful (like truly beautiful... something no one has ever done) and started a relationship with him.  Two days later, I broke my foot and ended that particular journey.

By the time my doctor cleared me to exercise (the week of Thanksgiving!!!), I had lost motivation.  I gained a lot of the weight back (like 45 lbs) between June 2012 and May 2013.  My life became very stressful during and after that (for reasons I won't go into here).  I tried dieting, but I failed.  Stress caused me to lose 29 pounds between May 2013 and May 2014 (I didn't even notice until I went to the doctor).  Then I hopped back on the exercise train mid-May of this year, and I fell off mid-August.  I did more than just fall off the train, I jumped and skidded every part of my body on rocky pavement.  Between May 14 and August 18, I lost 18 pounds and was kicking butt at the gym.  Now, I've gained 10 back.

So what does all this say?

I have terrible motivation, self-esteem, and self-image issues.  I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that I short-change myself a LOT.  I don't set the bar higher for myself because I don't believe I'm worth the fight to climb up there and grab it.  I do this in many, many aspects of my life.

I find it hard to find the worth in the fat, funny friend.  I came to the realization that I associate a lot of people in my life with my weight, in one way or another.  Whether it was the friend that let me down by calling me a hurtful fat name, or a loved one that broke the trust by doing the same.

This isn't a woe-is-me post.  This is a post of self-realization and speaking it into existence.  I'm not sure how long the journey will be that will get me right again and fix the constant negative noise inside my head, but I know it's a journey I have to take.  I have to find a way to make myself realize that I'm worth every ounce of effort I put into other people--- and that effort has to be directed at me now.  No one else but me.

Never Miss a Monday

Ok, I can't say I've never missed a Monday.  I miss a lot of Mondays.  But today, I'm glad I didn't miss it.  I had a great workout.  Here is the breakdown:

Stationary Bike: 4 miles, cardio program, level 3, 15:45
Treadmill: Half-mile, HIIT, 8:20 (incline 5 at 3.5 pace, incline 3 at 3.7 pace, incline 0 jog, x2)
Rowing: 1000 meters, 5:24
Stationary Row: 25 reps, 60lbs
Bicep Curls: 25 reps, 20 lbs.
Dead Fishes: 40 each side
Crunches: 25 on stability ball
Total time: a little over an hour

This morning, I decided to put on a dress I hadn't worn in awhile.  I bought it over a year ago and wore it only once (with a girdle) because it was still too tight.  Today, I'm wearing it with NO girdle.

I need to get my arms under control!

Anyway, I revamped my workout playlist, and I thought I'd share since I've had to scour Pinterest for good songs.  Here is what I've come up with.

Fall Out Boy – My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)
Fall Out Boy – Thnks fr th Mmrs
Fall Out Boy – Dead On Arrival
AWOLNATION – Sail
Nelly – Country Grammar (Hot...)
Linkin Park – In The End
Eminem – Lose Yourself - Soundtrack Version (Explicit)
Jimmy Eat World – The Middle
blink-182 – All The Small Things
The All-American Rejects – Dirty Little Secret
Timbaland – The Way I Are
Jay-Z – Ni**as In Paris
The Killers – Somebody Told Me
Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
Jet – Are You Gonna Be My Girl
Pitbull – Timber
Eminem – Cinderella Man
Jay-Z – Holy Grail
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Can't Hold Us - feat. Ray Dalton
Bruno Mars – Locked Out Of Heaven
Lady Gaga – Applause
Bon Jovi – Livin' On A Prayer
Yellowcard – Ocean Avenue
Flo Rida – Right Round - US
Destiny's Child – Jumpin', Jumpin'
Starship – We Built This City
Ke$ha – Your Love Is My Drug
Rascal Flatts – Life is a Highway
Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
Icona Pop – I Love It (feat. Charli XCX) - Original Version
Nicki Minaj – Super Bass
Olly Murs – Troublemaker
Jason Derulo – The Other Side
Ozzy Osbourne – Crazy Train
Kanye West – Stronger
Ke$ha – TiK ToK
LMFAO – Party Rock Anthem

I just hit Shuffle on Spotify and rock it out.  I like this playlist because it's big enough to hear different songs each time I workout for a few days.

What are your favorite workout tunes?